Panic in the Toothpaste Aisle

While browsing through dental products in a major store the other day, I overheard a woman mutter, “What the …, all I want is a tube of toothpaste.”

I could not resist the urge to offer understanding sympathy and came out with a brilliant, “I hear you and I know what you mean,” a left-over phrase from the corporate employment days.

She looked at me like she had just run up face-to-face with the village idiot. What I should have said was, “Oh, heck, yes, I understand one-hundred per cent. There are just too many choices and all I, too, want is a tube of good old-fashioned toothpaste!”

If manufacturers were smart, they would simplify the ingredients – and cost – for people like us and label their product as “Good Old-Fashioned” toothpaste. I really don’t want “whitening,” “super whitening,” “extra superduper whitening,” “smokers’ and coffee drinkers’ whitening,” “mint flavored whitening,” or “baking soda and peroxide and mint flavored and striped and mouthwash and cavity prevention and handy standup-tube whitening.” Just plain ol’ toothpaste will do, thank you.

Thirty minutes later I had eliminated all the toothpastes with fancy ingredients while muttering, “What the …, all I want is plain old-fashioned toothpaste!” I finally grabbed the least expensive brand and turned around to pick a mouthwash.

Aaarrrrgggh! Too many choices! Should I pick a brand by price or one that color-coordinates with the bathroom color scheme!?

Maybe the solution is just to stock up on good old-fashioned baking soda and keep my mouth shut!

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