Parts

One of the interesting things about getting older is that you find out where all your inside parts are, what they do, and what can go wrong with them.

When you are a kid, you have no idea where important parts, like your liver or epiglottis, are or what they do. By the age of six, however, you figure out that if you fall off of almost anything while on concrete, you scrape exposed knees and elbows and often bleed.

At six, you don’t know or care what blood does, its composition, or its origin. To a kid, the important things are if anyone sees you fall, how bad the owie is, and if bandages or stitches are required. Often screaming loudly whether in pain or not will often bring adults running and continuing to whimper long after the wound has been cleaned and medicated will result in a more impressive bandage to show off to the other kids.

As you age, the parts you didn’t even know you have start to misfire, creak, and leak. Things that should be down, like blood pressure and cholesterol, goes up. Things that should be up, like energy and muscle strength, go down. Seems like someone could figure out how to get these parts to meet in the middle, work out an exchange, and let you go about your business.

The space in the medicine cabinet where you once stored perfumes and after-after shave is now taken up by all kinds of over-the-counter and prescription drugs to keep your parts lubed, soothed, charging and discharging.

Some of us have added cumbersome appendages, like canes and walkers. Oh, bother. Some of us have gotten new parts, like hips, or upgraded the old parts with internal gadgets like pace-makers.

I’m just glad most of my parts still work and there are options to fix the others that don’t.

I’m also glad that strawberry ice cream is medicinal. What? It isn’t? Sorry, I can’t hear you, can’t find the volume control on this ear thing!

© Copyright 2009 Suzzwords

Ten Reasons Why Double-Chocolate Fudge Ice Cream is Good For You

Oh, what the heck.

Who needs ten reasons?

Who needs any reason at all?

Heard that old saying?

"Life’s short. Eat dessert first."

‘Scuse me, please.

I have to go scoop and enjoy.

© Copyright 2009 Suzzwords

Modernized Cave Man

Some women are convinced that if it were not for us, men would still be living in caves. Oh, sure they would have big screen TVs to watch caveman football, coolers beside their recliner rocks for rot-gut hops, and a crispy pile of wild pig skins to munch on.

Modern-day cave men would not shave or bathe, sniff their armpits with pride, and smile toothy grins. They would have invented things like motorcycles, chain saws, and sports arenas. There would be no washing machines, soaking tubs, scented candles or chocolate.

Men would have developed complicated governing systems and then go to war with any other system they did not agree with. They would have also developed dozens of religions and war with one another to prove who was right. Some greedy men would go to war for no other reason than that they wanted to have what the other cave clan had.

Women would live in a sister-hood community several caves away and allow in only those men who had recently bathed, scraped their faces and their teeth, and put on clean animal skins. (Bathing facilities and clean animal skins could be obtained from entrepreneurial women.)

Thanks goodness, most men of today have evolved into a higher order of human beings.

Or have they?

P.S. Author Unknown: “If women ruled the world, there would be no more wars; just intense negotiations every twenty-eight days.”

© Copyright 2009 Suzzwords

Shock Radio – 1950s Style

Back in the old days, just the utterance of the curse word “damn” from a teen’s mouth brought the wrath of every adult in earshot. Talk of you-know-what among groups of teens, despite their rampant hormones, was strictly taboo.

Don’t know about the boys, but among teen girls information about “that” was a popular subject discussed endlessly behind closed doors and accompanied by giggles and sighs.

When one of the local radio stations burst forth on a bright sunny morn with Daddy Rabbit, teens all over the city spread the word faster than a teen today can Twitter.

Daddy Rabbit began his morning patter with, “Hello, boys and girls, it’s your ol’ Daddy Rabbit with the gotta-have-it-habit.” Although it was a time of innocence, most of us got the message.

For the ‘50s, that was a suggestively scandalous statement and the talk got even racier from there. We teens loved it! Those among us lucky enough to have radios in our rooms memorized every word of Daddy Rabbit’s titillating patter to share with non-radio friends before school’s first bell.

One of the most popular of Daddy Rabbit’s platters was the 1954 song “Work With Me, Annie” written and recorded by Hank Ballard. The FCC went nuts and banned the song for its overly suggestive lyrics. Too late. We knew EVERY word.

Nationwide, the song sold over a million copies and topped the R&B charts for seven weeks. The answer songs, “Annie Had A Baby ” and "Annies's Aunt Fanny" soon followed, sold a million copies and were also banned.

Daddy Rabbit, despite having the number one morning show, and his choice of music, was too soon and sadly banned from the airwaves. His fame, however, lives on among us old folks with young memories and if asked, a few of us can still sing a few bars of “Annie had a baby, can’t work no more.”

P.S. Amazon. com has several Hank Ballard and the Midnighters albums. Click the link and scroll down to hear snippets of the famous oldies.

© Copyright 2009 Suzzwords

Step Away From the Salt Shaker

As we’ve aged, many of us have heard the dreaded words from our physician, “Cut down on the salt.” or worse, “No salt for you.” The American Heart Association recommends less than 2,300 mg of sodium per day. One-fourth teaspoon of salt has 575 mg of sodium!

If you are brave enough to check the labels of processed foods or enjoy the yummy taste of fast foods, you can understand what the doc has advised. One microwaved dinner or a trip to fast-food land and you can kiss your salt allowance goodbye for the rest of the day. With some restaurant meals, plan on water only for three days after because the sodium content is so high! (Nutrition information is available online for most chain restaurants. It will scare you.)

After the initial shock wears off from adding up your present daily sodium intake and you clean out the fridge and pantry to remove the temptation of popcorn, pickles, bacon, Ruffles and Cheez-Its. you may find yourself left with only healthy, but blaugh-tasting foods. If you get most of your meals from a drive-through window, you may also have to (brace yourself) cook.

Don’t despair. Help is on the way. Many of the restaurants are responding with “healthy’ choices. In some fast food places, on request you can even get unsalted fries. Oh, what’s with the face?

In time, your palate will adjust to less salty flavors. The compensation for diligence is that you can sneak in some ice cream with a big squirt of chocolate syrup now and then. (Hey, look, I’m only taking about sodium here.)

Food processors are responding to demands for low- and no-salt canned, bottled and packaged foods. No, that doesn’t mean you can still grab the package of sandwich meat and canned soups. It means if you search them out, there low-sodium processed foods are out there. One exciting find for me lately has been Hunt’s Tomato Ketchup No Salt Added. If you haven’t had ketchup for five years and you find this in your grocery, try to not scream “Yippee,” jump up and down and hug the stock person. (I’ve been banned from the grocery until the meds kick in.)

A few weeks ago I had the brilliant idea of starting a second blog for us sodium-sensitive folks, but a Google search turned up a zillion other sources of information. Now I’ve decided to just add a column of low- and no-salt food items to this blog. Your input is very welcome and I hope you will pass along your food finds.

We have released control of your salt shaker and returned you to an upright position. Go forth and shake not.

© Copyright 2009 Text and Photo Suzzwords

Gnewly Engaged

Mr. and Mrs. Gnorman Gnickols announce the engagement of their daughter, Gnelda, to Gned Gnewton, son of Mr and Mrs. Gneil Gnewton. The couple is planning a Fall wedding, with gnuptials taking place in the gnome home of the bride. After a honeymoon to Gnew Orleans, the couple will reside in Gnome Gnook.

© Copyright 2009 Suzzwords Text and Photo

Ol’ Betsy

She was big, she was bold, she was beautiful. She was a 1966 Pontiac 2+2 coupe. One day, long ago, we went out on an unopened portion of an Interstate highway and as I held my foot down on the gas, she easily soared to 120 mph.

It was glorious as we flew over the concrete for a scant few seconds until my timid brain began screaming, "What the hell are you doing, you idiot, slow down!"

We slowed to a crawl and after I stopped shaking with exhilaration and terror, we turned around, went home and never confessed to "himself" what we had done. It was our secret.

A year later, he got custody of Ol' Betsy and I never saw her again.

I really, really missed Betsy.

April 27, 2009, 9:01 AM -- General Motors ... is killing the Pontiac brand (Wheels section of the The New York Times).

Sigh.

Betsy and I, we had a special bond. She's gone now, but I'll always remember that day.

Here's to you, kid.

Copyright 2009 Suzzwords

Enough Already

Did a group (or groups) of people slip over the edge of sanity while I was out mowing the yard? I just ran across this web site for Extreme Grooming . Here are some photos from that page.

Extreme poodle grooming!? How can dog lovers actually do THIS to a proud breed descended from the hard-working German water retriever?

Ninja-Turtle

Cock-a-Poodle-Doo

Have our brains overloaded on the quest to compete and excel in anything, even it it’s stupid?

Here's an idea: Combine Extreme Poodle Grooming with Competitive Eating (Yes, Virginia, there is an International Federation of Competitive Eating . I didn’t believe it either.)

The poodle groomers compete first by seeing how many hot dogs they can swallow in three minutes, then present their extremely-groomed dogs.

Following the presentation, the dogs chase their presenters around the ring and be scored on how many nips they inflict on the presenters in five minutes. The groomers “win” by running off the gorged hot dogs and the idiotic-looking dogs "win" revenge.

Win-Win.

For those who have never seen a hot dog eating contest, here’s Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest 2008.

Their contestants' mothers must be so proud; their cardiologists horrified.

© Copyright 2009 Suzzwords

Chocolate Easter Bunnies

Hellooooo, Spring!

© Copyright photos 2009 Suzzwords

Questions, Questions, Questions

How do those automatic faucets and flush toilets in public restrooms work? Yes, I know that when you “break the beam” they activate, but what powers the “beam.” Are they battery-operated, wind up like a clock or just magic? If they are battery-powered, does the housekeeping personnel now have to carry around pockets-full of AA Duracells? (Bet you never thought about that one did you?)

Does your heart really stop when you sneeze?

If an approaching weather front is called a “front,” why is the back not called a “back?” Or is it? If so, is it called a “front back?”

Why are Brussels sprouts not illegal?

Do kids of today still play hopscotch?

Are there piles and piles of hula hoops in a warehouse somewhere just waiting to make a comeback?

Where does the tide go when it goes out? Does it get dressed up or just go casual?

Just what does a “mean streak” look like on an x-ray? Is it anywhere near the “funny bone?”

After deciduous trees drop their leaves, do all the surrounding fir trees whistle? Is that where the expression “wind whistling through the trees” came from, only the trees are actually doing the whistling in the wind?

Who gives cars their silly names?

Have we reached the saturation point with challenge and reality televisions programs?

Over what domain does a drama queen reign?

Do dam-building beavers have taste preferences for particular trees? Is an elm more tasty or an oak too chewy?

Who came up all this transition to digital television anyway? What were they thinking!?

What store sells thinking caps? I just wore mine out.

© Copyright 2009 Suzzwords

Unscientific Reasons Why M&Ms Are Good for You

“Watson, come here. I need you.”

“Ah, there you are. For today’s scientific analysis, we are going to examine M&Ms for their visual nutritional value.”

“Here, you take a handful of the green and blue M&Ms and I’ll take the yellow, orange and red.”

“Our experiment is to determine if the outer candy shell that protects the tasty inner chocolate has any relationship to actual healthy foods.”

“Watson, you go first. Taste a blue one.”

“What?! You ate ALL the blue ones already?! Okay, okay. What is your analysis?”

“Ah, so you believe the blue M&Ms are a visual reference to blueberries which we all know are high in antioxidants."

“Humm, interesting."

"Now I will taste the red, orange and yellow ... uumm, munch, munch ... M&Ms individually.”

“Maybe a handful would be better.”

“Ummm, why yes, Watson, they DO melt in my mouth.”

“Oh, right, back to the subject. Well, um, ah, let’s see. The red ones, now that could possibly remind us of cherries, and of course, the orange (By the way, what rhymes with “orange?”) and yellow ones make us think of citrus fruits. Conclusion, cherries and citrus are wholesome and nutritious.”

“Your turn again. What is your analysis of the green?”

“Brilliant, Watson! The connection between the green M&Ms to grass that is eaten by cows to produce milk which is a good source of calcium is now apparent.”

“All righty now, our experiment is complete for today. What shall we do with the remaining pound of M&Ms in this large bag?”

“Excellent suggestion, Watson. I say we get right to it.”

© Copyright 2009 Suzzwords

P.S. Check out what Wikipedia has to say about the nutritional value of chocolate.

Merry Christmas

Oh, go ahead. You know you want to play!

Happy Thanksgiving

After dinner, why not enjoy a challenging word game?

Butterflies are NOT Free

$89.76 – Cost of garden tools to dig up area for butterfly garden.

$14.99 – Cost of fertilizer for butterfly attracting plants.

$18.76 – Cost of variety of butterfly attracting plants.

$5.98 – Cost of ointment to relieve sunburn.

$686.00 – Cost of emergency room treatment for bee sting.

$145.00 – Cost of prescription to relieve swelling from bee sting.

$75.00 – Cost of hiring someone to dig up garden and set plants.

$178.00 – Cost of digital camera to take blurry picture of butterfly.

$957.00 – Cost of emergency room treatment from falling backward over garden tools used to dig up area for butterfly garden while trying to get better angle of butterfly when taking photo.

$29.78 – Cost of newspaper ad to sell garden tools, butterfly attracting plants, and camera.

Priceless – Loathing of stupid butterflies.

© Copyright text and photo 2008 Suzzwords