Saturday, November 17, 2007

Irish Fruitcake Recipe

Seems a number of people are searching for the famous Irish fruitcake recipe now that the huge holiday insanity season is approaching. I know you are out there as I get three or four hits a day on my Sitemeter.

I found this recipe for Irish fruitcake years ago and have since seen a number of variations, including the Jack Daniels version.

Fruitcakes have become outrageously expensive to make at home so if you are on a budget and won't be baking this year, just read the recipe while sipping a beer!

Irish Fruitcake
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
1 gallon Irish whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl.

Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.

Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
Cry another tup.

Turn off mixer.

Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt.
Or something.
Who cares?

Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.
Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.

Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Throw the bowl out of the window.

Check the whiskey again.

Go to bed.

Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?


P.S. Do you have a favorite or old family fruitcake recipe or joke about fruitcake to share? I would love to add it to my collection! See my profile for my email address.
P.S. Again -- You might want to visit my December 2006 post "Fruitcake."

© Copyright 2007 Suzzwords

Monday, November 12, 2007

No-Nos in the Workplace

CNN recently posted an article on their Web site called “Things you should never do at work.” Included is good advice about not to gossip, hit on your boss or steal office supplies.

After reading the article, I noticed a few things they left out, so I made my own list.

1. Sniff at your pits and declare to anyone who will listen, “Gee, maybe I should have showered this morning.”

2. Fall asleep at your desk, then when awakened, jokingly tell your boss you were just looking at the inside of your eyeballs.

3. Come to work in slippers and offer to show your ingrown toenails to the receptionist.

4. Bring your pet iguana to work on your shoulder.

5. Bring your three-year-old to work and explain, “The day care won’t take him because he has the mumps.”

6. Explain the reason you are late is because you changed your mind about what to wear and the zipper in your skirt/slacks broke and held you hostage until you could get someone to cut you out.

7. At three in the morning, leave a message on your boss's voice mail that you are sick and won't be in, forgetting that the sound of the party in the background will also be recorded.

8. Go to lunch and not return, then show up the next morning but offer no explanation.

9. Have a screaming phone conversation with your soon-to-be ex while customers are waiting – and listening.

10. In the lunchroom, ask a coworker to “taste this and let me know if you think it’s gone bad.”

Now then, what’s your advice about what not to do at work?

© Copyright 2007 Suzzwords

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Breaking News

It seems like almost every television news channel has “breaking news.” One local channel reported a breaking news weather alert long after the storm was over. A popular cable channel was still running a breaking news alert about a celebrity eight hours after the breaking news first broke.

Now hold on here, just how long can breaking news break? Is there a time limit?

If breaking news is red hot new news, and several hour old news is just “news,” then is day old news “olds?”

Maybe we should define the difference between new breaking news and old breaking news. Oh, wait, news is supposed to be “new,” so if breaking news is new news, is it really breaking news or just news? If we called old breaking news something like “Recent News,” it would kind of lose it’s dramatic appeal and just be old news. But then old news is not news at all, it’s just stuff that happened in the recent past.

I wonder when breaking news becomes history. You know, too old to be breaking news or even news at all. I guess “breaking history” won’t work in a scrolling banner across the bottom to the TV screen.

What about breaking news that is reported over and over and over until we are all sick of it. Would that be considered “persistent update” news or PU for short?

Well, all this is just too confusing for me. I’m going to go watch Spongebob.

Alas, where is Walter Cronkite when you really need him?!

P.S. January 17, 2008 -- Go here for a Broom Hilda cartoon giggle about "Breaking News."

© Copyright 2007 Suzzwords