Saturday, October 21, 2006

Before and After

Have you ever awakened at 2 a.m., flipped on the television to dull your senses to fall asleep again, and been subjected to the amazing “before and after” tales of how Betty Lou in Michigan and Bob in Alabama lost a zillion pounds in only twelve days?

Not only did Betty Lou and Bob loose all that weight, but they didn’t have to diet OR exercise, they just took this amazing pill. Two things the infomercial doesn’t tell you: what’s in the drug (newt’s eyes, snake sweat or perhaps powdered cave slime?) and that poor ol’ Betty Lou and Bob didn’t sleep during the twelve days of shedding all those unwanted pounds.

Betty Lou went from a size 98 down to a size two and feels wonderful. Bob now has lots of energy and can leap over automobiles from a standing position. Heck yeah, they feel wonderful. They’ve been high for the past twelve days!

Okay, here’s the part that I can’t figure out. If the people portrayed in the before and after shots lost all that weight, why are they wearing the same outfits in the “after” as in the “before,” and why don’t the “after” outfits fall off?

Could it be that the advertisers are exaggerating just a teensy bit?

We all know there’s only one way to loose weight. Not the most fun, but it won’t mess up your head as well as your cute, but pudgy body. As for me, I’m headed to the fridge for a large helping of ice cream. I’ll settle for the carrot sticks and cross my fingers that someday “they” will come up with a tasty Rocky Road with no calories or cholesterol. Humm, wonder how carrot sticks taste dipped in chocolate syrup?

© Copyright 2006 Suzzwords

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

I Want New Stuff Gift Registry

Unless we are having a baby, moving to a new home, or getting married, we folks over the age of 60 are getting shorted on gift registries. Remember when brides registered their china and silver patterns at jewelry stores? Where I grew up, there were only two jewelry stores downtown (there were no malls back then) and we future brides all trouped into the most prestigious to register our patterns.

In the years to follow, we’ve all shelled out a pretty penny for bridal and baby showers, graduations, and house warmings. I figured out that just to break even, I’m due back close to $8,692.37 in gifts.

There’s a lot of stuff I could use since the sheets, frying pans, and welcome mat I got at bridal showers has long since worn out. Trouble is, there are no socially accepted reasons for me to “register.”

So here’s my idea. I propose that once every four or five years, we 60-somethings cajole our friends into throwing us a “I Want New Stuff” shower. The heck with the silver and china (even the kids don’t want it), let’s go for replacement linens, a new toilet seat, a microwave, and some of those dandy outdoor solar lights just to get started.

I’m real excited about the prospect of registering for gifts at such innovative stores as Home Depot, Lowes, Target, Sears, and now K-Mart.

You know that as soon as the larger stores get wind of this idea, it’s headed straight to their marketing departments. I’m starting my list now so by the time the ad campaigns and greeting cards are rolling out, I’ll be ready to shop!

So what’s on your list?

© Copyright 2006 Suzzwords

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Where Have the Green Stamps Gone?

Remember S&H Green Stamps? (If you are under 40 – never mind) Remember the thrill of getting enough Green Stamps with one purchase to fill a page? Remember the even bigger thrill of filling a whole “book?” With enough Green Stamps, a family could furnish their house from the redemption catalog.

Short of fresh foods, you could get almost anything with enough stamps. With some negotiating, you could probably get a train load of fresh corn. I read somewhere that students from one school saved enough stamps to “purchase” two gorillas for their local zoo.

Green Stamps, those tiny little glue-backed squares of perforated paper, made a difference where a person shopped. Moms would often go out of their way to buy the week’s groceries where they could get those little gems, fill the last book, and finally bring home new canisters or set of frying pans.

Only the most responsible kid was assigned the chore of gluing the stamps in the redemption books and reporting the progress to Mom. Until ready for pasting, the “onesies” and “twosies” were stored, along with the books, in an old cigar box held closed with a sturdy rubber band. The cigar box was then hidden in the back of a kitchen drawer, safe from younger siblings’ hands and burglars. If the house were on fire, Mom would grab the cigar box and leave her wedding band behind!

One of the surest ways to get out of being the “paster” was to lick and slap a stamp on your forehead and waltz through the house as if all was normal. If you didn’t escape Mom’s wrath fast enough, you could count on losing a bit of facial skin when the stamp was removed.

The glue on the back of those stamps must have been made from the most disgusting things on earth. It only took licking three or four stamps to get a green tongue and send you running for a wet washcloth or sponge in a saucer of shallow water. Bleaugh! It wasn’t long before those little tube “moisteners” with the sponge thingies on the end appeared. Fill the tube with a bit of water and gently – gently! – dampen the back of the stamps. (Too heavy a hand and you had to wait for the stamp and surrounding tablecloth to dry, then go find the bottle of paste.)

I just found out you can still redeem old Green Stamps, but they are much more fun as “collectables.” The redemption catalogs from which to choose your treasures are even more fun. Did we really think “earth colored” lime green, orange and yellow dishes made food more attractive? If you are really determined to cash in your stamps, check out the “green points” link below.

For a bit of fun, paste a few stamps on your forehead and waltz through Walmart. Just be ready with a really, really good explanation when the security guard says, “Please come with me.”

Redeem your Green Stamps:

For a bit of history:

© Copyright 2006 Suzzwords

Monday, October 02, 2006

Fall Back

Daylight Saving Time ends October 29, 2006.

Is it just me or do other people feel that we have more important national considerations than fiddling around with the time? Can we take a vote on sticking with just one time and skipping all this Daylight Saving Time business?

Yes, yes, I know. I’ve already fussed about this last April when we sprang forward. To read my original post, click: Daylight Savings Time .

I will probably keep fussing about it for no other reason than I can. So there.

Who came up with this falling and springing anyway? With a bit of searching, I did learn that the correct name for this nonsense is Daylight Saving (no “S”) Time and that the Department of Transportation is responsible for ensuring that the time zones observing Daylight Saving Time all begin and end on the same date. Wonder how they do that – call all the mayors? “Hi, Debbie, this is Stan over at the D.O.T. Don’t forget to remind everyone to fall back on Sunday.”

Now if you think there will be a lot of grumpy people when the time changes October 29 (not as bad as in the Spring), whoooeee, just wait until next March 11, 2007. According to and a number of other Web sites, President Bush has extended You-Know-What-Time by four weeks. I can hear those alarm clocks being yanked off night stands and slammed into walls now. Okay, show of hands – everyone who looooooves getting up an hour early, wave now. You, over there, you morning person – get out of this blog!

I really don’t care which way we fall or spring. I would be happy with just one time all year. Right now my car clock is set on the correct time. Last Spring when the time changed, it took me three weeks to figure out which button controlled the clock’s hour setting. In the meantime, I found a mileage thingy for trips, a place to store loose change, and the best county-western radio station in town.

Well, all I can say is that it’s a good thing it wasn’t fall back or spring forward day in 1955 just as Marty McFly was barreling down Main Street in Doc Brown’s plutonium-powered DeLorean "time machine” to hook up with that power cord just as lightening strikes the old clock tower. Why, just think, one hour either way and, oops, some of us might not be here today!

For a bit of fun, check this out:

P.S. You might enjoy earlier comments made Saturday, April 1, 2006, when it was time to “spring forward.” Daylight Savings Time

© Copyright 2006 Suzzwords