Tuesday, December 01, 2009

What’s “on Board?”

While driving back from the mall, I saw one of those “Baby on Board” signs in the rear window of the SUV in front of me. They (the signs, not the babies) were all the rage a few years back and I guess the fad is coming back.

I never really understood the value of advertising the arrival of the wee darling with a plastic sign dangling from a suction-cup hook spit-adhered to a car window. Do proud parents also display the same, but larger sign stuck in the front windows of their homes? Maybe those signs are to warn us that the baby is driving!

Could it be that the signs meant to tell the trailing drivers to back off and keep at least two car lengths away? In the traffic I was in, allowing one car length between their bumper and mine would invite the honking wrath of five or six other drivers. The good news is keeping a distance from the B.O.B.-signed car would allow three SUVs, two compacts, and a semi to slip in front of me, then it would be their problem. The bad news is it would take sitting through five traffic signals changes to get from the highway in front of the mall to the next traffic light.

While waiting to get through the intersection, I got to thinking that maybe it would be a good idea to develop some useful warning/announcement signs that would alert drivers to possible dangers lurking behind the tinted windows of the car in front of them.

Here are a few I came up with.

Loud Music on Board – Driver Partially Deaf

Job Seeking Driver – Résumés Blowing Out Windows

Politician on Board – May Increase Taxes

Mean Dogs on Board That Attack Tailgaters

Screaming, Sugar-High Kids on Board – Get Away – Far, Far Away

Teen Driver – Knows Everything

Mom Driver Late to Pick Up Kids – Get Out of Way

Driver Texting – Pass With Caution

Smoker on Board – Coughing May Impair Driving

Cranky Old Lady on Board – Ignore Gestures

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Your contributions are most welcome as I’m sure you are thinking of a few right now.

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