Funny how our lives revolve around “THE” events.
“Mommy , don’t wanna go THE docta.”
“Momma, can I keep THE dog?”
“Mom, guess what! I have a date for THE dance!”
“Tell me you will on time for THE graduation tonight.”
“I’m so excited! I got THE job!”
“Oh, sorry, can’t make lunch, THE wedding is in just a week.”
“Can't start any new projects until after THE move.”
“Did you hear? THE baby came a week early.”
“Are you going to THE big party?”
“THE transfer came in and I have to be in Atlanta in two weeks!”
“We got THE loan and move into the new house next month!”
“I got THE promotion!”
"THE memorial service was lovely."
"I hear THE anniversary dinner is at one of the best restaurants in town!"
“Are you going to wear that to THE retirement party?”
We have THE greatest memories.
THE end.
© Copyright 2006 Suzzwords
Monday, April 24, 2006
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Morning People
Is there some kind of contest going on among people who get up early in the morning? Do they compete to see who can get up the earliest, then have bragging rights to their night people friends for the rest of the day?
Is there a cut-off time for early rising, say three-thirty? Any earlier, and it is considered the middle of the night? “Yep, got up at three-forty this morning and feel great. Why I get more done before sunrise than most folks do all day! Hohohoho.” And just what the hell is there to do before dawn, go out and kick chickens awake if you can find them? Is it also a requirement that morning people are cheerful? Is there a law against smacking morning people to shut them up?
Night people not only sleep in when they can, they don’t want to hear about a morning person’s routine. In fact, night people don’t even want to talk until late morning. A retired morning person should never call a retired night person at eight-thirty in the morning and sneer, “Oh, did I wake you? I’ve been up since quarter past six! Get up you lazy thing, you!”
I’ve discovered the reason morning people get up so early is that they not only secretly nap during the day, they go to bed in the afternoon, say around seven. Have you ever called a morning person at just after eight at night and listened to the fumbling and mumbling before they get the phone to their face? It’s great retaliation if they called you that morning. After a muffled hello, they usually ask what time it is. Feel free to play with their head and tell them it’s only seven-forty, but don’t tell them if it’s morning or night.
Morning people and night people should never get married. Morning people get up at some stupid hour, then bang and clang around in the kitchen trying to wake up their partner while filling the house with the smell of coffee. Night people get even by banging and clanging around in the kitchen late at night tearing out a wall or rearranging all the pots and pans. They fill the house with the sound of the really late show and whistle along with the commercials. Nobody gets any sleep, Both are grumpy and, well, you know the ugly results.
It’s time call a truce. You morning people, go find other morning people to tell how early you got up. Let us night people sleep in. The world will be a happier place. At least it will be in my little corner.
P.S. If you noticed what time this was posted, don’t label me a morning person. Now that Fido is settled down again, I’m going back to bed.
© Copyright 2006 Suzzwords
Is there a cut-off time for early rising, say three-thirty? Any earlier, and it is considered the middle of the night? “Yep, got up at three-forty this morning and feel great. Why I get more done before sunrise than most folks do all day! Hohohoho.” And just what the hell is there to do before dawn, go out and kick chickens awake if you can find them? Is it also a requirement that morning people are cheerful? Is there a law against smacking morning people to shut them up?
Night people not only sleep in when they can, they don’t want to hear about a morning person’s routine. In fact, night people don’t even want to talk until late morning. A retired morning person should never call a retired night person at eight-thirty in the morning and sneer, “Oh, did I wake you? I’ve been up since quarter past six! Get up you lazy thing, you!”
I’ve discovered the reason morning people get up so early is that they not only secretly nap during the day, they go to bed in the afternoon, say around seven. Have you ever called a morning person at just after eight at night and listened to the fumbling and mumbling before they get the phone to their face? It’s great retaliation if they called you that morning. After a muffled hello, they usually ask what time it is. Feel free to play with their head and tell them it’s only seven-forty, but don’t tell them if it’s morning or night.
Morning people and night people should never get married. Morning people get up at some stupid hour, then bang and clang around in the kitchen trying to wake up their partner while filling the house with the smell of coffee. Night people get even by banging and clanging around in the kitchen late at night tearing out a wall or rearranging all the pots and pans. They fill the house with the sound of the really late show and whistle along with the commercials. Nobody gets any sleep, Both are grumpy and, well, you know the ugly results.
It’s time call a truce. You morning people, go find other morning people to tell how early you got up. Let us night people sleep in. The world will be a happier place. At least it will be in my little corner.
P.S. If you noticed what time this was posted, don’t label me a morning person. Now that Fido is settled down again, I’m going back to bed.
© Copyright 2006 Suzzwords
Monday, April 17, 2006
New Year’s Resolution
I just made my New Year’s resolution. Okay, okay, so it’s a little late; I’ve been busy. Here it is: I am never, ever going to forward any more emails that contain not only instructions to forward them, but the number of friends to whom they have to be forwarded. Despite threats, I will risk losing friends, true love and the lottery.
If the emails have pictures of cute fuzzy animals or gurgling babies or Maxine-type characters wiggling and jiggling, I will hit the “Delete” button immediately and put the sender’s email address on every flashing, blinking and beckoning popup or popunder that appears on my monitor. If they contain cartoons of Maxine (one of my favorites), I will copy the carton to my hard drive, then delete the email.
Further, if the sender persists in sending me emails that require forwarding to 2,896 “friends,” I will subscribe them to newsletters from every major retailer and television channel. Repeat offenses will result in enrollment for newsletters from makers or vendors of personal products.
Now immediately forward the address of this blog (do not copy and paste into yet another email) to twelve friends who have freckles, nine who have at least one cat, and twenty-six who have gone outside in the last week. If you fail to send this in the next six seconds, your toenails will fall off, your car will leak oil and your kids will take up skydiving – naked.
© Copyright 2006 Suzzwords
If the emails have pictures of cute fuzzy animals or gurgling babies or Maxine-type characters wiggling and jiggling, I will hit the “Delete” button immediately and put the sender’s email address on every flashing, blinking and beckoning popup or popunder that appears on my monitor. If they contain cartoons of Maxine (one of my favorites), I will copy the carton to my hard drive, then delete the email.
Further, if the sender persists in sending me emails that require forwarding to 2,896 “friends,” I will subscribe them to newsletters from every major retailer and television channel. Repeat offenses will result in enrollment for newsletters from makers or vendors of personal products.
Now immediately forward the address of this blog (do not copy and paste into yet another email) to twelve friends who have freckles, nine who have at least one cat, and twenty-six who have gone outside in the last week. If you fail to send this in the next six seconds, your toenails will fall off, your car will leak oil and your kids will take up skydiving – naked.
© Copyright 2006 Suzzwords
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Steak Knives
Now that I watch my cholesterol, as well as my budget, I don’t see much steak on the grill anymore. The good news is that I’ve discovered a dozen other uses for that eight-piece set of serrated-blade steak knives in the back of the kitchen drawer. (Or maybe that set has dwindled to only three.)
1. By carefully manipulating the tip, they are great for untangling shoelaces that have become knotted. If the knot won’t let go, just saw the laces apart.
2. Depending on the style, steak knives can be used to pry up blobs of paint from the last craft project off the concrete floor of the garage.
3. Can’t find the scissors to nip off the bottoms of the zinnias for a flower arrangement? Steak knife to the rescue. Use a cutting board to stabilize the stem, not your thumb. (Or just pre-apply several adhesive bandages to save time.)
4. Steak knives can be quite handy when tightening a cabinet knob. Some steak knives tend to snap, so discard those with broken blades. (I think that’s where number eight went.)
5. When things get stuck in things, you may be able to pry them out with a steak knife.
6. Steak knives can be used to mix things, like small amounts of concrete patch in plastic cups. Just don’t leave to answer the phone, do a load of laundry, then read the mail. Concrete patch hardens rather quickly. (Buebye number seven.)
7. When the bottom of your fry pan gets burned-on black stuff, give it a scrape with your trusty steak knife. If the black stuff won’t come off, hide the fry pan.
8. Sometimes you can poke loose yucky stuff that gets stuck in the drain. Just don’t let go of the steak knife. (Bye bye number six, hello plumber.)
9. Steak knives are great to dig around in flower pots and cut loose soft roots. Caution: don’t use a lot of pressure to loosen plants from those flimsy six-pack containers. Remember, steak knives are sharp, skin is soft, and emergency room visits are very expensive.
10. You can use the tip of the knife to slowly let the air out of some inflatable mattresses. There’s a much faster way, but you don’t want to know it – it’s not worth patching the mattress.
11. Some steak knives can be used for bookmarks. If you have a lot of books, remember where you lay the book down. (That could explain the disappearance of number five – and that mystery from the library.)
12. Slender steak knives can be used to pry apart things that are stuck together, like uncancelled stamps from envelopes, transparent tape from gift wrap and siblings in a bubble-gum blowing contest.
And, yes, be sure to remember all that safety stuff about knives in general. Geeze, we’re all adults here and know the dangers. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go change an electrical outlet. Humm, I wonder where I left my steak knife?
© Copyright 2006 Suzzwords
1. By carefully manipulating the tip, they are great for untangling shoelaces that have become knotted. If the knot won’t let go, just saw the laces apart.
2. Depending on the style, steak knives can be used to pry up blobs of paint from the last craft project off the concrete floor of the garage.
3. Can’t find the scissors to nip off the bottoms of the zinnias for a flower arrangement? Steak knife to the rescue. Use a cutting board to stabilize the stem, not your thumb. (Or just pre-apply several adhesive bandages to save time.)
4. Steak knives can be quite handy when tightening a cabinet knob. Some steak knives tend to snap, so discard those with broken blades. (I think that’s where number eight went.)
5. When things get stuck in things, you may be able to pry them out with a steak knife.
6. Steak knives can be used to mix things, like small amounts of concrete patch in plastic cups. Just don’t leave to answer the phone, do a load of laundry, then read the mail. Concrete patch hardens rather quickly. (Buebye number seven.)
7. When the bottom of your fry pan gets burned-on black stuff, give it a scrape with your trusty steak knife. If the black stuff won’t come off, hide the fry pan.
8. Sometimes you can poke loose yucky stuff that gets stuck in the drain. Just don’t let go of the steak knife. (Bye bye number six, hello plumber.)
9. Steak knives are great to dig around in flower pots and cut loose soft roots. Caution: don’t use a lot of pressure to loosen plants from those flimsy six-pack containers. Remember, steak knives are sharp, skin is soft, and emergency room visits are very expensive.
10. You can use the tip of the knife to slowly let the air out of some inflatable mattresses. There’s a much faster way, but you don’t want to know it – it’s not worth patching the mattress.
11. Some steak knives can be used for bookmarks. If you have a lot of books, remember where you lay the book down. (That could explain the disappearance of number five – and that mystery from the library.)
12. Slender steak knives can be used to pry apart things that are stuck together, like uncancelled stamps from envelopes, transparent tape from gift wrap and siblings in a bubble-gum blowing contest.
And, yes, be sure to remember all that safety stuff about knives in general. Geeze, we’re all adults here and know the dangers. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go change an electrical outlet. Humm, I wonder where I left my steak knife?
© Copyright 2006 Suzzwords
Monday, April 10, 2006
Panic in the Toothpaste Aisle
While browsing through dental products in a major store the other day, I overheard a woman mutter, “What the …, all I want is a tube of toothpaste.”
I could not resist the urge to offer understanding sympathy and came out with a brilliant, “I hear you and I know what you mean,” a left-over phrase from the corporate employment days.
She looked at me like she had just run up face-to-face with the village idiot. What I should have said was, “Oh, heck, yes, I understand one-hundred per cent. There are just too many choices and all I, too, want is a tube of good old-fashioned toothpaste!”
If manufacturers were smart, they would simplify the ingredients – and cost – for people like us and label their product as “Good Old-Fashioned” toothpaste. I really don’t want “whitening,” “super whitening,” “extra superduper whitening,” “smokers’ and coffee drinkers’ whitening,” “mint flavored whitening,” or “baking soda and peroxide and mint flavored and striped and mouthwash and cavity prevention and handy standup-tube whitening.” Just plain ol’ toothpaste will do, thank you.
Thirty minutes later I had eliminated all the toothpastes with fancy ingredients while muttering, “What the …, all I want is plain old-fashioned toothpaste!” I finally grabbed the least expensive brand and turned around to pick a mouthwash.
Aaarrrrgggh! Too many choices! Should I pick a brand by price or one that color-coordinates with the bathroom color scheme!?
Maybe the solution is just to stock up on good old-fashioned baking soda and keep my mouth shut!
© Copyright 2006 Suzzwords
I could not resist the urge to offer understanding sympathy and came out with a brilliant, “I hear you and I know what you mean,” a left-over phrase from the corporate employment days.
She looked at me like she had just run up face-to-face with the village idiot. What I should have said was, “Oh, heck, yes, I understand one-hundred per cent. There are just too many choices and all I, too, want is a tube of good old-fashioned toothpaste!”
If manufacturers were smart, they would simplify the ingredients – and cost – for people like us and label their product as “Good Old-Fashioned” toothpaste. I really don’t want “whitening,” “super whitening,” “extra superduper whitening,” “smokers’ and coffee drinkers’ whitening,” “mint flavored whitening,” or “baking soda and peroxide and mint flavored and striped and mouthwash and cavity prevention and handy standup-tube whitening.” Just plain ol’ toothpaste will do, thank you.
Thirty minutes later I had eliminated all the toothpastes with fancy ingredients while muttering, “What the …, all I want is plain old-fashioned toothpaste!” I finally grabbed the least expensive brand and turned around to pick a mouthwash.
Aaarrrrgggh! Too many choices! Should I pick a brand by price or one that color-coordinates with the bathroom color scheme!?
Maybe the solution is just to stock up on good old-fashioned baking soda and keep my mouth shut!
© Copyright 2006 Suzzwords
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Daylight Savings Time
Daylight savings time begins Sunday, April 2 at 2 a.m. It’s time for most Americans to set their clocks ahead – spring forward – one hour.
As a retiree, I’ve decided I’m not participating this year. Just too much trouble. I would just have to reverse the whole clock-setting thing again in the Fall and besides, I’m not going to bed or getting up any earlier anyway. If you want to talk to me at 10 a.m. daylight savings time, wait an hour or call in the afternoon. If you want to have lunch with me, have a mid-morning snack and I’ll meet you at noon my time.
I have never understood this whole “time saving” business anyway. There are times when I would like to go to this mysterious “time bank” and withdraw a few hours. There must be hours and hours just piled sky-high that no one has thought to use. Do you know anyone who has ever successfully made a withdrawal?
You know how busy people are always saying, “Oh, I wish I had one more hour in the day,” or “I sure could use an extra day this week.” If we could find this time bank, think how handy that extra hour or day could be. Bad thing is, in no time politicians would figure out a way to tax our time withdrawals and our tax dollars would be funding a study on why kids fall off tricycles. (Oops, hasn’t that one already been funded?)
And don’t give me that old “you get it back in the Fall” routine. Maybe one hour, sure, but where are all the summer hours? I bet it’s all those stored summer hours that are causing global warming. All those banked summer hours of 80 and 90 degrees are heating up the planet.
I think it’s time we retirees all stood up and started a campaign to end this foolishness. You go ahead and get it started and I’ll be along sometime after noon – my time!
P.S. You might enjoy later comments made Monday, October 2, 2006, when it was time to "Fall Back."
© Copyright 2006 Suzzwords
As a retiree, I’ve decided I’m not participating this year. Just too much trouble. I would just have to reverse the whole clock-setting thing again in the Fall and besides, I’m not going to bed or getting up any earlier anyway. If you want to talk to me at 10 a.m. daylight savings time, wait an hour or call in the afternoon. If you want to have lunch with me, have a mid-morning snack and I’ll meet you at noon my time.
I have never understood this whole “time saving” business anyway. There are times when I would like to go to this mysterious “time bank” and withdraw a few hours. There must be hours and hours just piled sky-high that no one has thought to use. Do you know anyone who has ever successfully made a withdrawal?
You know how busy people are always saying, “Oh, I wish I had one more hour in the day,” or “I sure could use an extra day this week.” If we could find this time bank, think how handy that extra hour or day could be. Bad thing is, in no time politicians would figure out a way to tax our time withdrawals and our tax dollars would be funding a study on why kids fall off tricycles. (Oops, hasn’t that one already been funded?)
And don’t give me that old “you get it back in the Fall” routine. Maybe one hour, sure, but where are all the summer hours? I bet it’s all those stored summer hours that are causing global warming. All those banked summer hours of 80 and 90 degrees are heating up the planet.
I think it’s time we retirees all stood up and started a campaign to end this foolishness. You go ahead and get it started and I’ll be along sometime after noon – my time!
P.S. You might enjoy later comments made Monday, October 2, 2006, when it was time to "Fall Back."
© Copyright 2006 Suzzwords
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
