Cats

I have found that most people have one of three emotions about cats. Of the three groups, not one can be persuaded to change their feelings and, in some cases, become even more passionate about their feelings to the point of threatening to “run over the damn cat” or “run over you if you touch my cat.”

The first of the groups is the Cat Lover. The Cat Lover has anywhere from one to a zillion cats and can often be discerned in public by the faint smell of cat ammonia. Their clothing is covered in cat hair and when they sneeze (which they often do), wisps of cat hair float off their own hair and clothing creating an aura of fur. If you have the slightest allergy to anything, you can not visit their homes or ride in their cars. Cat Lovers fervently defend their right to collect even more cats as well as the rights of the cats to deposit “gifts” in your garden when their litter pans are full (which they often are). Never suggest to a Cat Lover that they either (a) try to find homes for the excess cats, or (b) take the overflow to the shelter/animal control/nearby river. Cat Lovers can hurt you. Responsible Cat Lovers spend thousands of dollars on the care of their cats and most have their collection of felines “fixed” to prevent the arrival of more kitties. Irresponsible Cat Lovers revel in the arrival of a new litter, adding to the already overpopulation of cats and ultimately the misery of the cats, particularly in a neighborhood of Non-Cat Lovers who are fed up with the destruction of their flower beds and tell-tale pussy prints all over their windshields. Non-Cat Lovers can make cats disappear either to the shelter, animal control or, well, that, um, other place.

Non-Cat Lovers are just as passionate about their feelings and often express their dislike of cats in conversation and action. Some Non-Cat Lovers are cruel and should be given a good smack on the tops of their heads to readjust their thinking about the humane treatment of all animals. Non-Cat Lovers who hurt cats often have deeply embedded personal issues or are just stupid. Some Non-Cat Lovers just hate cats, but do them no harm. Some people don’t hate cats, but are not too crazy about the Cat Lover with the zillion cats and a garden full of cat poop.

Cat Neutrals are the people who are not even aware of cats. “Cats? There are cats around here? Where? I’ve never seen them?” A Cat Neutral is so busy, he or she could have a cat sleeping on the foot of the bed and not know it. They also don’t recognize the presence of dogs, birds, the neighbors, small children (even their own), or if it is raining. Cat Neutrals are intensely focused on their own projects and goals and seldom come out of their self-induced fogs. Most Cat Neutrals are also divorced. Wonder why?

Now that we’ve discussed these three types of cat emotions, if you are a Cat Lover, please keep Kittyums out of my garden or I will be forced to release my darling 150-pound “Fluffy” from the confines of my house to see how fast your cat can scale my eight-foot fence.

© Copyright 2006 Suzzwords