Have you ever noticed that coffee mugs multiply behind the closed doors of kitchen cabinets? First you start out with a matched pair or a nice set of four, then suddenly one appears emblazoned with a logo from a local business. It snuggles up next to the newly arrived gift mug that says, “World’s Best Mom,” and before you know it, there are mugs of all shapes and sizes filling the cabinet and spilling over to the counter top.
They hide behind the toaster, lurk on the coffee table (just why is it called a “coffee table” anyway?), and even hitch rides in the car. In desperation, you may take a few to work to share with others, but that only invites more mugs to arrive from coworkers with the same idea.
Gathering up a box to give to the neighbor for a garage sale may not be met with enthusiasm. The neighbor already has four boxes full of mugs from other neighbors. Don’t even think of asking Goodwill or the Salvation Army to come pick them up for their thrift stores. Their shelves are already overflowing with mugs that won’t sell for even a dime. Sneaking up to the over-night donation bin just means you are opening the trunk of your car to the possibility more mugs will find a way in than you are dropping off!
What to do with all these mugs? Could they be used as a building material, sort of like bricks, only with handles? Maybe they could be ground up and used to pave driveways or walkways or build retaining walls. Does the government need to offer mug manufacturers a subsidy of some sort to stop making these household pests before the landfills are over run?
Phew. I’m exhausted now and think I’ll have a cup of coffee. Would you like one? Oh, and do take the mug with you!
© Copyright 2006 Suzzwords
Monday, August 21, 2006
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Things Our Parents Said – Part 2
Chew nails and spit tacks.
Dumber than a doorknob.
Scarcer than hen’s teeth.
Older than dirt.
In a tizzy.
Nutty as a fruitcake.
Screw loose.
Lights are on, but no one is home.
Up shit creek without a paddle.
Running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off.
Like a bat out of hell.
Meaner than a snake.
Can’s see the forest for the trees.
Up one side and down the other.
Straight as the crow flies.
Solid as a rock.
Weak as water.
Spends money like it is going out of style.
Can’t fight his way out of a paper bag.
Ants in his pants.
Run around your thumb to get to your fingers.
Three sheets to the wind.
Tight as a tick.
Preaching to the choir.
Silly as a goose.
Loose as a goose.
Your word is your bond.
Sealed with a handshake.
Now here’s a little something from a good friend.
“My grandfather taught me the this over 50 years ago and I haven't been able to find where it originated or what it means. Any ideas?
‘As I was walking out in the street on the third day of last Julember with my shonebone in my pocket and my knees under my arms, I saw a white blackbird picking up grapeshot out of the wall. I picked up a rock and threw it at the white blackbird and killed a dead dog. Five furlongs on the other side of nowhere, a dead possum bit the hatchet's head off. You think that's simple but it isn't half as simple as Doctor Doolittle's blister-plaster falling out of his pocket and blistering his old horse's back, five feet or five feet square, whichever you want to call it.’”
© Copyright 2006 Suzzwords
Dumber than a doorknob.
Scarcer than hen’s teeth.
Older than dirt.
In a tizzy.
Nutty as a fruitcake.
Screw loose.
Lights are on, but no one is home.
Up shit creek without a paddle.
Running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off.
Like a bat out of hell.
Meaner than a snake.
Can’s see the forest for the trees.
Up one side and down the other.
Straight as the crow flies.
Solid as a rock.
Weak as water.
Spends money like it is going out of style.
Can’t fight his way out of a paper bag.
Ants in his pants.
Run around your thumb to get to your fingers.
Three sheets to the wind.
Tight as a tick.
Preaching to the choir.
Silly as a goose.
Loose as a goose.
Your word is your bond.
Sealed with a handshake.
Now here’s a little something from a good friend.
“My grandfather taught me the this over 50 years ago and I haven't been able to find where it originated or what it means. Any ideas?
‘As I was walking out in the street on the third day of last Julember with my shonebone in my pocket and my knees under my arms, I saw a white blackbird picking up grapeshot out of the wall. I picked up a rock and threw it at the white blackbird and killed a dead dog. Five furlongs on the other side of nowhere, a dead possum bit the hatchet's head off. You think that's simple but it isn't half as simple as Doctor Doolittle's blister-plaster falling out of his pocket and blistering his old horse's back, five feet or five feet square, whichever you want to call it.’”
© Copyright 2006 Suzzwords
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Things Our Parents Said
With the help of friends, here are some of the things our family members said to help us grow into adulthood. Some made sense, others … well, at least they got our attention. Others only made sense when we became adults and finally understood what those “old” people were talking about. Now that we are the “old” people, we hear the echo of our parents as we pass these “sayings” along to our children and grandchildren.
A special thanks to Moms: Mary, Eva, and Gladys.
If you keep making that face, it will freeze that way.
If wishes were horses, beggars would ride. Parental variation: If wishes were horses, what a job the street cleaners would have!
Wear clean underwear. You never know when you could be in an accident.
I’m so mad, my butt could chew buttonholes.
Put your wishes in one hand and spit in the other and see which one fills the fastest.
I brought you into this world and I can take you out!
There are children starving in Europe (Asia, Africa) that would love to have that liver and onions. Now eat it!
Don’t swallow those watermelon seeds! Do you want a vine growing out your navel?!
Don’t touch that, you don’t know where it’s been.
Grinning like a billy goat eating briars. (Usually refers to someone who has a "smirky" grin on their face.) .
Don’t make me come in there and slap you into next year!”
It’s better to be a happy old maid than a miserable wife.
Get in here. You are slow as molasses.
Land sakes, that car was big as all get out.
If your bed isn’t made by noon, you will have bad luck the rest of the day.
Why, he doesn’t have enough sense to come in out of the rain.
Clean up this room. It looks like a pig sty.
And just where do you think you’re going dressed like that?
It’s for your own good.
I don’t care what your friends do, you are not going. If they all jumped off a cliff, would you follow them?
The nut doesn’t fall far from the tree.
They are just alike. They must be cut from the same cloth.
Don't just hop into bed with every man who comes along!
You eat so many sweets you're going to be diabetic. You always have drunk too much fluid (a sure sign).
Just because you want to do it doesn't make it right!
Women who ride in taxis are obviously going to meet their "Johns."
If you wash your hair too much, it's going to fall out.
Save the pennies, the dollars will take care of themselves.
And the best for last: Just you wait. Someday you are going to have children, then you will understand!
P.S. We’ve already thought up a few more, so there may be a Part II. Can’t wait to hear what YOUR family had to say! Just click on “Comments” below and scroll down to “Leave your comment.” You can preview your comment, then publish or just “log in and publish.”
© Copyright 2006 Suzzwords
A special thanks to Moms: Mary, Eva, and Gladys.
If you keep making that face, it will freeze that way.
If wishes were horses, beggars would ride. Parental variation: If wishes were horses, what a job the street cleaners would have!
Wear clean underwear. You never know when you could be in an accident.
I’m so mad, my butt could chew buttonholes.
Put your wishes in one hand and spit in the other and see which one fills the fastest.
I brought you into this world and I can take you out!
There are children starving in Europe (Asia, Africa) that would love to have that liver and onions. Now eat it!
Don’t swallow those watermelon seeds! Do you want a vine growing out your navel?!
Don’t touch that, you don’t know where it’s been.
Grinning like a billy goat eating briars. (Usually refers to someone who has a "smirky" grin on their face.) .
Don’t make me come in there and slap you into next year!”
It’s better to be a happy old maid than a miserable wife.
Get in here. You are slow as molasses.
Land sakes, that car was big as all get out.
If your bed isn’t made by noon, you will have bad luck the rest of the day.
Why, he doesn’t have enough sense to come in out of the rain.
Clean up this room. It looks like a pig sty.
And just where do you think you’re going dressed like that?
It’s for your own good.
I don’t care what your friends do, you are not going. If they all jumped off a cliff, would you follow them?
The nut doesn’t fall far from the tree.
They are just alike. They must be cut from the same cloth.
Don't just hop into bed with every man who comes along!
You eat so many sweets you're going to be diabetic. You always have drunk too much fluid (a sure sign).
Just because you want to do it doesn't make it right!
Women who ride in taxis are obviously going to meet their "Johns."
If you wash your hair too much, it's going to fall out.
Save the pennies, the dollars will take care of themselves.
And the best for last: Just you wait. Someday you are going to have children, then you will understand!
P.S. We’ve already thought up a few more, so there may be a Part II. Can’t wait to hear what YOUR family had to say! Just click on “Comments” below and scroll down to “Leave your comment.” You can preview your comment, then publish or just “log in and publish.”
© Copyright 2006 Suzzwords
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Hair-Raising Question
Ladies: have you noticed that as your eyesight wanes, the hairs on your chin begin to sprout more vigorously? What is it about face hair on men that is okay, but on women is totally unacceptable? Maybe we women have become the pawns of the fashion police and lured to spend zillions of dollars on hair-removal products.
I saw an ad the other day for a horrifying battery-propelled, hand-held gizmo that “gently removes hair at the root.” Yeah, right. That’s ad-speak for yanks those little stragglers from your flesh before you can faint. Okay, so now you have ripped the hair from your upper lip. What muffles the scream so your neighbors won’t think you have just discovered vermin lurking in your closet? If this gadget is all that great, why don’t men use it so they only have remove their face hair once a week?
To further promote the separation of our cash from our checkbooks, the ad even promised, “gentle enough to use in the bikini area.” Well, whoop-de-do. That’s an important consideration for we older ladies as we apply Ben Gay to our aching shoulder muscles or wipe the sweat from our brows at three a.m.
As for chin hair, I say if it was good enough for my grandmothers and my mother, it’s good enough for me. Well, maybe. Vanity still reigns. Okay, revise that. If I can see it, I’ll find a way to remove it. If someone else sees it and tells me (and they had better tell me), I’ll rush out and stock up on bleaching creams, waxes, chemical removers, and tweezers with an extra-wide gripping span to pluck several stragglers at once (scream follows).
Or maybe, as a way to avoid pain, not to mention the expense, I’ll just hang out with people whose eyesight is as bad or worse than mine. There, problem solved. Okay, everyone – glasses off ... now!
© Copyright 2006 Suzzwords
I saw an ad the other day for a horrifying battery-propelled, hand-held gizmo that “gently removes hair at the root.” Yeah, right. That’s ad-speak for yanks those little stragglers from your flesh before you can faint. Okay, so now you have ripped the hair from your upper lip. What muffles the scream so your neighbors won’t think you have just discovered vermin lurking in your closet? If this gadget is all that great, why don’t men use it so they only have remove their face hair once a week?
To further promote the separation of our cash from our checkbooks, the ad even promised, “gentle enough to use in the bikini area.” Well, whoop-de-do. That’s an important consideration for we older ladies as we apply Ben Gay to our aching shoulder muscles or wipe the sweat from our brows at three a.m.
As for chin hair, I say if it was good enough for my grandmothers and my mother, it’s good enough for me. Well, maybe. Vanity still reigns. Okay, revise that. If I can see it, I’ll find a way to remove it. If someone else sees it and tells me (and they had better tell me), I’ll rush out and stock up on bleaching creams, waxes, chemical removers, and tweezers with an extra-wide gripping span to pluck several stragglers at once (scream follows).
Or maybe, as a way to avoid pain, not to mention the expense, I’ll just hang out with people whose eyesight is as bad or worse than mine. There, problem solved. Okay, everyone – glasses off ... now!
© Copyright 2006 Suzzwords
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