On Being a "Senior"

Before I became one, I always thought I had already been one and then grew up. Now I’ve found that even though I had been one in high school and later in college, and then not one, here I am – a “senior” again. My “senior” friends from years ago are also “seniors” again. The frustrating part is that we didn’t recapture the youthful vigor of the former “senior” incarnations.

The good part is that we get discounts. Secret discounts. Most merchants don’t tell anyone about their senior discounts, but if asked, employees will shout, “Why of course I can give you a ‘senior’ discount.” (They assume that all “seniors” can’t hear. We “seniors” assume that all people under the age of 30 can’t hear because of nerve damage to their ears from listening to that music through headphones and riding in cars that can be heard thumping from three blocks away.) We shout back, “Thanks, “Junior.”

Another good part about being an elder “senior” (oops, elder and senior mean the same thing), okay, and old gezz, is that we get away with saying a lot of stuff about people that we couldn’t get away with when we were younger. We were taught that if “you can’t say anything nice – blah, blah, blah.” We held in a lot of opinions about each other like, “That guy is not only ugly, but he’s a total looser.” We said things like, “He has rugged features and a lot of potential.”

Now we just blurt out our opinions, wanted or not, and get away with it! Our younger family and friends excuse our behavior and attribute our rudeness (we call it “honesty”) to our advanced age and impending senility. What fun! The cartoon character, Maxine, has it right with her famous line, “A friend will always a tell you exactly what she thinks! So I guess that makes me friends with everybody.”

So I’m here to tell you "youngin's," “Back off, Buster.” We “seniors” may have lost our youthful agility, but what we can no longer accomplish physically, we have gained verbally. Unless you want to get cut up into tiny little syllables and scattered on the floor, you better spit out that “senior” discount, shout “Thank you, ma’m,” and pull up those damn pants.