Saturday, June 21, 2008

Variations on a Parental Admonition

Close the door.


Do I have to tell you again to CLOSE THE DOOR!

Were you born in a barn? CLOSE THE DOOR!

If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times to SHUT THE DOOR!

Inside or outside, make up your mind, but either way, CLOSE THE DOOR!

I’m not paying to air condition all of the outdoors, now CLOSE THAT DOOR!

You left the front door open AGAIN, now go CLOSE THE DOOR!

If you forget to SHUT THAT DOOR one more time, you are grounded for a week, Mister!

Where are these flies coming from? Don’t tell me you left the back door open again!

You just wait until your father comes home. He’ll show you how to CLOSE THE DOOR!

SHUT IT! SHUT IT! How many times do I have to tell you?

Not slam it, dammit, just CLOSE THE DOOR!

This house does not have automatic door closers! SHUT THE DOOR!

One more time, just one more time, and that’s it!

© Copyright 2008 Suzzwords

Friday, June 20, 2008

Memories of Summer

It was a great time to be a kid in the late 1940s and early 1950s – a slower way of life with cheap gas, little crime, few drugs other than the evil alcohol and tobacco, and most important, no wars. There were more than a few comforts lacking then that we have now like air-conditioning, television, ice makers, automatic washers and clothes dryers, and automatic transmissions, but somehow we survived.

Funny how every now and then today a sound, a smell, a familiar food or a glimpse of an old black and white movie stirs up a bit of summers past. Here are some of my favorites. What are your memories?

Swoosh, swoosh of rotating sprinklers
Katydids, cicadas, crickets and other night creatures singing
Fans whirling at night
Static from distant thunderstorms when tuning the Philco console to the Grand Ole Opry
Snick-snick of the reel lawn mower

Sun-dried sheets
Honeysuckle in bloom
Hot pavement
Clean air after a welcome summer shower
The neighbor’s evening pipe

Warm watermelon fresh from the field
Lemonade and Kool-Aid
Sandwiches and Jello for supper because it’s too hot to cook
Sliced tomatoes fresh from the garden
Home-made peach ice cream

Sweat rings around kids’ necks and underarms
Women in shorts, halter tops and sandals
Green tree frogs peeking through the window screens
Heat lightening
Business men in white open-collar short-sleeve shirts
Red-checked oilcloth tablecloths
Cardboard "advertising" fans with flat wooden handles

© Copyright 2008 Suzzwords

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Stupid Enough?

Humm. Just how stupid is enough to qualify for being stupid enough? To determine the level of stupidity that is just enough to appear intelligent but do stupid things, I came up with this purely ridiculous and unscientific test. Not that I, personally, would ever do any of these stupid things, but I heard that my friend’s cousin’s neighbor’s girlfriend’s father actually was stupid enough to rank a perfect 10. How do you rank on the “Stupid Enough” scale?

1. Have you ever been stupid enough to lock your keys in the car?

2. Have you ever been stupid enough to stand in front of the fridge trying to remember what you were looking for?

3. Have you ever been stupid enough to jump out of bed, panic because the alarm didn’t go off, scramble to get ready for work, then realize it’s your day off?

4. Have you ever been stupid enough to “tattoo” yourself with marker pens thinking the design would wash right off?

5. Have you ever been stupid enough to turn on a garden hose full force, let a four-year-old hold the “business” end and really think you were not going to get wet?

6. Have you ever been stupid enough to let your best friend convince you to let him/her pierce your ears with a needle and cork after being told it wouldn't really hurt that bad?

7. Have you ever been stupid enough to think when your car fuel gage shows “Empty” it just means you have plenty of gas to reach the service station?

8. Have you ever been stupid enough to think it’s not me, it’s them?

9. Have you ever been stupid enough to add a cup more rice to the cooking pot because what’s in there just doesn’t look like enough to feed two people?

10. Have you ever been stupid enough to participate in other stupid tests like this one?


If you answered 7 to 10 questions with a “yes,” you are stupid enough to associate with all the rest of us.

If you answered 4 to 6 questions with a “yes,” you are borderline stupid enough, you just haven’t lived long enough to become stupid enough like the rest of us. Keep trying.

If you answered 2 to 3 questions with a “yes,” you are almost perfect or you are kidding yourself.

If you only answered none or one question with a “yes,” you have a really poor memory, live in a dream world, or actually believe you are absolutely perfect. Seek immediate help!

© Copyright 2008 Suzzwords