And How Old Are You Now, Honey?

Bumper Sticker:
We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.

After attending a lunch gathering of old grads from my old high school, I realized how many times the subject of age came up and how often was heard, “Well, just how old are YOU now?”

I felt like I had just experienced déjà vu – a flashback to childhood. Think about it. Remember when you were a tot and Uncle Ernest would bend down, give your cheek a pinch and say, “Sweetums, just how old are you now?” You would hold up three fingers, smile and hope shiny round metal things (nickels, dimes and quarters) would be forthcoming to trade for candy.

Do we eventually get to the age of again holding up fingers, but having to close and open both hands several times to rack up the right age? Or is it okay to quip, Maxine style, “Nunya! Now go find something else to do!”?

Are we spiraling backwards and going out the same way we came in: naked, bald, toothless and trying to focus on the train-spoon headed to the tunnel-mouth? I just hope whoever is driving my spoon also makes the appropriate noises, “Whooo, whooo, chug, chug.”

Okay, okay, I know there is no way to stop the progression (regression?) into old age. Well, maybe cosmetically some of us can have nips and tucks and look a youthful forty-eight when we’re actually eighty-four, but how many eighty-four-year olds do you know who are still in bowling leagues?

When we reach the stage where we are fed, powdered and diapered, I think there should be warning signs to prevent our children and other younger people from even thinking about hovering over our cribs, cooing, and then inflicting the ultimate torture – pursed lips blowing “ppppffffffhhhhhtttttt” against bare belly skin (as we once did to them).

Youngin’s beware – we could just reach out and bop you with our change purses filled with shiny round metal things (nickels, dimes and quarters). Now where’s that candy machine?

© Copyright 2008 Suzzwords

10 Resolutions that are Easy to Keep

10. I resolve to email stupid jokes to friends as often as possible.

9. I resolve to give up the idea of bungee jumping and sky diving.

8. I resolve to let Mother Nature wash my car.

7. I resolve to move before having to clean the oven.

6. I resolve to consider ice cream a health food.

5. I resolve to eat more health foods.

4. I resolve to go outside and play as often as possible.

3. I resolve to wear clothes with elastic waists or made with stretch fabric.

2. I resolve to eat chocolate at least five times a week.

1. I resolve to be grateful everyday for dear friends and blogging buddies.

© Copyright 2008 Suzzwords