Saturday, December 16, 2006

Pet Gifts

I just watched a commercial about the “perfect gift for your pet.” Huh? “The perfect gift” for what? When did we start buying “gifts” for our pets? And how do pets actually determine the difference between a “gift” and an old tennis ball?

Do pets have color preferences? Do they prefer squeaky toys that match their eyes or their fur? When two pets are just sitting around, do they discuss what they want for Christmas? Is there a Peta Clause? Maybe an Afgan Hound with long silky red fur who wears glasses? And just how would a pet tell Peta Clause what they want, pee on the leg of his chair? Are pets disappointed if they don’t get the latest jeweled collar or the right squeaky toy? Would it be better to just give them gift cards to PetSmart so they can shop for exactly what they want?

Ask yourself, “Does Fido or Fluffy really give a damn about a cedar-filled, heated bed cozy covered in designer fabric? And speaking of beds, do pets really need foam steps to make it easer for them to climb into your bed and plop on your pillows? Think about it. Do you really want to put your face where they just … oh, never mind.

What about the abandoned and feral animals during this holiday season? Will the more privileged pets soon be standing in front of pet shops and feed stores ringing the bells on their collars and wagging their tails while nudging small kettles in your direction?

People, people. Get a grip. Pets are not furry people. They would think a stick or a piece of string is a gift! Ripping the paper from a “gift” is as much fun as an actual gift (unless it’s edible). Ever see a cat demolish a roll of toilet paper just ‘cause he can? Now that’s fun.

Tell you what. If you are determined to buy your pet a gift, send me $49.95, plus $9.95 shipping and handling, and I’ll send you Mr. Stick – gift wrapped in newspaper at no extra charge. Mr. Stick comes in two sizes, twig and a little bigger, in your choice of flavors, oak or pine. For that special feline, don’t forget the six foot long String Buddy for only $29.95, $5.99 shipping and handling. Five dollars from the sale of each Mr. Stick and String Buddy will go to a nearby spay and neuter clinic. Hurry, quantities are limited.


© Copyright 2006 Suzzwords


  1. Suzz, this post was funny, funny, funny. I couldn't agree with you more about "pet presents." Of course, I don't have any pets at the moment, but even in the days when i did....I had guidelines. Be might have people e-mailing you..trying to order Mr. Stick or String Buddy. right!

  2. Anonymous4:52 PM

    Suzz, Of COURSE I expect fine gifts from my owners! Damn straight I want a designer jacket for those chilly winter days and some gourmet bowzer biscuits to boot! My owners have a Christmas stocking for me in the shape of a dog biscuit. I look forward to gnawing it off the mantle each year as my family opens their gifts on Christmas morn. I must admit, however, that the money they squander on my holiday and birthday gifts would be better spent on a larger donation to the local animal shelter. We'll keep that in mind. Let me know when you add maple to your Mr. Stick line and I'll have my masters add it to my "Peta Claws" wish list!

    Merry Christmas, Suzz!
    Woof, woof!
    Mae Mae

  3. LOVEM5:26 PM

    What a hoot! Never gave the cats a Christmas present BUT I did make sure they had a can of wet food for Christmas dinner - then it was back to the dry stuff.

  4. p. mona9:14 PM

    Do I have friends to sent this blog to. You're going to be a rich woman when all the orders start coming in. Don't forget me when you become rich and famous, and get on the Oprah show.

  5. This is funny, but good. The furry fellows that I know told me they want just a few minutes and a scratch or two from their owners for Christmas. (They also told me they hate the reindeer antlers and other costumes).

  6. Anonymous8:04 AM

    Can you do that same deal on a delivery of Mr Stick to Australia Suzz? be careful how you answer that... it cost me $15 to send a $5 book to the US recently.
    My dog, when I was fortunate enough to have one wouldn't have given an extra tail wag for a gift that wasn't either edible or affectionate.

  7. hey, its true that pets don't understand wat is gud n wat is bad.But,I love my pets n so want to buy them some sweet gifts for christmas.

  8. ah Suzz, nope, you are not getting MY $49.95! I can wrap my own stick, oh, that's right, I don't have a pet!

    I saw on the TV the other night, here in Australia, of course, where they gave these new ELEPHANTS at one of the zoos, their FIRST Christmas party, complete with gifts and party-people. Amazing - the announcer said 'it is probably the first time these elephants have ever had gifts' - they are imported elephants from Thailand, so he could well be right.

    Never mind, very funny post thanks Suzz...

    Oh, and Happy Christmas to you and your loved ones, hoping you have a wonderful day filled with peace and joy.

    p.s. Love that poem/carol, thanks for the history...