“Watson, come here. I need you.”
“Ah, there you are. For today’s scientific analysis, we are going to examine M&Ms for their visual nutritional value.”
“Here, you take a handful of the green and blue M&Ms and I’ll take the yellow, orange and red.”
“Our experiment is to determine if the outer candy shell that protects the tasty inner chocolate has any relationship to actual healthy foods.”
“Watson, you go first. Taste a blue one.”
“What?! You ate ALL the blue ones already?! Okay, okay. What is your analysis?”
“Ah, so you believe the blue M&Ms are a visual reference to blueberries which we all know are high in antioxidants."
“Humm, interesting."
"Now I will taste the red, orange and yellow ... uumm, munch, munch ... M&Ms individually.”
“Maybe a handful would be better.”
“Ummm, why yes, Watson, they DO melt in my mouth.”
“Oh, right, back to the subject. Well, um, ah, let’s see. The red ones, now that could possibly remind us of cherries, and of course, the orange (By the way, what rhymes with “orange?”) and yellow ones make us think of citrus fruits. Conclusion, cherries and citrus are wholesome and nutritious.”
“Your turn again. What is your analysis of the green?”
“Brilliant, Watson! The connection between the green M&Ms to grass that is eaten by cows to produce milk which is a good source of calcium is now apparent.”
“All righty now, our experiment is complete for today. What shall we do with the remaining pound of M&Ms in this large bag?”
“Excellent suggestion, Watson. I say we get right to it.”
© Copyright 2009 Suzzwords
P.S. Check out what Wikipedia has to say about the nutritional value of chocolate.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Monday, December 22, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Butterflies are NOT Free
$89.76 – Cost of garden tools to dig up area for butterfly garden.
$14.99 – Cost of fertilizer for butterfly attracting plants.
$18.76 – Cost of variety of butterfly attracting plants.
$5.98 – Cost of ointment to relieve sunburn.
$686.00 – Cost of emergency room treatment for bee sting.
$145.00 – Cost of prescription to relieve swelling from bee sting.
$75.00 – Cost of hiring someone to dig up garden and set plants.
$178.00 – Cost of digital camera to take blurry picture of butterfly.
$957.00 – Cost of emergency room treatment from falling backward over garden tools used to dig up area for butterfly garden while trying to get better angle of butterfly when taking photo.
$29.78 – Cost of newspaper ad to sell garden tools, butterfly attracting plants, and camera.
$14.99 – Cost of fertilizer for butterfly attracting plants.
$18.76 – Cost of variety of butterfly attracting plants.
$5.98 – Cost of ointment to relieve sunburn.
$686.00 – Cost of emergency room treatment for bee sting.
$145.00 – Cost of prescription to relieve swelling from bee sting.
$75.00 – Cost of hiring someone to dig up garden and set plants.
$178.00 – Cost of digital camera to take blurry picture of butterfly.
$957.00 – Cost of emergency room treatment from falling backward over garden tools used to dig up area for butterfly garden while trying to get better angle of butterfly when taking photo.
$29.78 – Cost of newspaper ad to sell garden tools, butterfly attracting plants, and camera.
Priceless – Loathing of stupid butterflies.
© Copyright text and photo 2008 Suzzwords
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month
It's been over two years since I said goodbye forever to one of my dearest friends who died from breast cancer. My sadness is compounded by knowing that even through she had a mammogram, the facility where she went did not properly read the results and recommended that "we watch" the lump. A year later, at another screening center at another facility, it was too late to halt the progress of the monster. Another friend, who is a ten year survivor, also was advised to "watch" the lump. She lost her right breast and underwent agonizing treatment, but is still here today to watch her beautiful grandchildren grow.
Please, women ... have your annual mammogram. If you are the least bit suspicious of the accuracy of the results, get a second opinion. If you discover changes in your breast, go get checked. Now. Those of us who love you, do not want to lose you.
Shortly after the passing of my friend, I went with another friend for her first mammogram in years. The visit to St. Vincent's Breast Health Center made such an impact that I began to jot down notes for what later became my first post in January 2006. As a result of early intervention my friend is still here and all clear.
I'm reprinting that original post to encourage women not to put off breast exams. And you family members ... go with your loved one and hold her purse.
Originally published Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Mammogram
Men should have mammograms to understand the emotions of the community of women who sit in their little pink smocks in a cheery room waiting to have initial or follow-up X-rays or sonograms or more, or for the doctor to read the results and deliver the diagnosis.
Men would then understand the fear a woman faces whether it’s her first or tenth mammogram.
They should see the bravery of the woman struggling to hold back tears as she heads to the changing room after the devastating news that will forever change her life and perhaps end it far too early. It’s then her burden to share the news with her family and while facing her personal fears, try to soothe the emotions of her loved ones. She also sees the days stretch out before her in seemingly endless rounds of doctors, hospitals and treatments.
Men should share the elation of the woman who receives the “all clear” as the tension drains from her face to be replaced with relief and smiles. Men should witness the camaraderie as the other women offer congratulations for having “escaped” the dreaded disease for another year.
They should see the young mother of two small boys sit in the corner avoiding the eyes of the other women to not reveal her nervousness over the uncertainty of what to expect. Then the men should watch as an older woman, a grandmother, senses the fear of the younger woman and draws her into a casual conversation about wallpaper, then squeezes the younger woman’s hand as her name is called for “the test.”
Physically, mammograms are no big deal. They are uncomfortable and on occasion, a bit painful, but they can help detect the tiny beginnings of a monster.
Men should understand the importance of this annual ritual and that without the exams and early detection, many more of us would be lost. They should encourage and support their women to have the exams. Go with them and hold their purses and wait patiently in the family area for their return. Holding a purse for someone you love is much easier than saying “goodbye” forever.
(In memory of my beautiful friend Harriette.)
© Copyright 2006 Suzzwords
Please, women ... have your annual mammogram. If you are the least bit suspicious of the accuracy of the results, get a second opinion. If you discover changes in your breast, go get checked. Now. Those of us who love you, do not want to lose you.
Shortly after the passing of my friend, I went with another friend for her first mammogram in years. The visit to St. Vincent's Breast Health Center made such an impact that I began to jot down notes for what later became my first post in January 2006. As a result of early intervention my friend is still here and all clear.
I'm reprinting that original post to encourage women not to put off breast exams. And you family members ... go with your loved one and hold her purse.
Originally published Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Mammogram
Men should have mammograms to understand the emotions of the community of women who sit in their little pink smocks in a cheery room waiting to have initial or follow-up X-rays or sonograms or more, or for the doctor to read the results and deliver the diagnosis.
Men would then understand the fear a woman faces whether it’s her first or tenth mammogram.
They should see the bravery of the woman struggling to hold back tears as she heads to the changing room after the devastating news that will forever change her life and perhaps end it far too early. It’s then her burden to share the news with her family and while facing her personal fears, try to soothe the emotions of her loved ones. She also sees the days stretch out before her in seemingly endless rounds of doctors, hospitals and treatments.
Men should share the elation of the woman who receives the “all clear” as the tension drains from her face to be replaced with relief and smiles. Men should witness the camaraderie as the other women offer congratulations for having “escaped” the dreaded disease for another year.
They should see the young mother of two small boys sit in the corner avoiding the eyes of the other women to not reveal her nervousness over the uncertainty of what to expect. Then the men should watch as an older woman, a grandmother, senses the fear of the younger woman and draws her into a casual conversation about wallpaper, then squeezes the younger woman’s hand as her name is called for “the test.”
Physically, mammograms are no big deal. They are uncomfortable and on occasion, a bit painful, but they can help detect the tiny beginnings of a monster.
Men should understand the importance of this annual ritual and that without the exams and early detection, many more of us would be lost. They should encourage and support their women to have the exams. Go with them and hold their purses and wait patiently in the family area for their return. Holding a purse for someone you love is much easier than saying “goodbye” forever.
**********************
(In memory of my beautiful friend Harriette.)
© Copyright 2006 Suzzwords
Monday, October 06, 2008
Back Then and Now-A-Days
Back Then: Straw broom to clean sidewalk, street after mowing.Now-A-Days: After filling gas tank, blow lawn clippings into street or neighbor’s yard (if they are not looking) with $124.99 Craftsman 200 mph 430 CFM Gas Blower/Vac.
Back then: Look up the word in Webster’s Dictionary (that’s a book).
Now-A-Days: Run spell checker. Who needs to learn to spaell?
Now-A-Days: Run spell checker. Who needs to learn to spaell?
Back Then: Brylcreem. (A little dabba do ya!)
Now-A-Days: After shaving face with lanolin enriched, age defying gel and shampooing hair with special root enhancer scalp stimulator and conditioning with silkening, thickening conditioner, and cleansing and moisturizing face, style hair with unscented enriching nourishing gel, finish with firm-hold hair spray.
Back Then: Clothes pin, paper clip, staple or rubber band to hold tight the potato chip bag after opening.
Now-A-Days: Plastic clip with “SNACK” printed on holding bar so the chips won’t be confused with toothpaste in case you couldn’t figure it out on your own.
Back Then: Stop at grocery to get wholesome dinner ingredients.
Now-A-Days: Stop at McDonalds.
Back Then: Whiten sheets by air-drying in sun.
Now-A-Days: Whiten sheets with detergent containing bleach, dry in clothes dryer with scented softener sheet for fresh-air smell.
Back Then: Whiten teeth with Pepsodent. You wonder where the yellow went when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent.
Now-A-Days: Super-whiten teeth with porcelain veneers or dental bonding, chair side bleaching that may include a bleaching agent, special light and lasers, or Pepsodent Whitening Anti-Cavity Toothpaste.
Back Then: Carry change for pay phone.
Now-A-Days: Get extra job to pay for cell phone.
Back Then: Prune juice.
Now-A-Days: Colonic irrigation
Back Then: Prunes
Now-A-Days: Dried Plums
Back Then: Hire neighbor kid to mow lawn.
Now-A-Days: Subscribe to weekly lawn care service to mow, trim, and edge.
Back Then: Send mail by United States post office.
Now-A-Days: Send e-mail.
Back Then: Women attended college to get MRS. degree.
Now-A-Days: Women attend college to get Ph.D. in biostatistics.
Back Then: Tweeze eyebrows.
Now-A-Days: Tweeze chin.
Back Then: Carry change for pay phone.
Now-A-Days: Get extra job to pay for cell phone.
Back Then: Prune juice.
Now-A-Days: Colonic irrigation
Back Then: Prunes
Now-A-Days: Dried Plums
Back Then: Hire neighbor kid to mow lawn.
Now-A-Days: Subscribe to weekly lawn care service to mow, trim, and edge.
Back Then: Send mail by United States post office.
Now-A-Days: Send e-mail.
Back Then: Women attended college to get MRS. degree.
Now-A-Days: Women attend college to get Ph.D. in biostatistics.
Back Then: Tweeze eyebrows.
Now-A-Days: Tweeze chin.
Back Then: Saddle shoes and penny loafers.Now-A-Days: Flip-flops and Easy Spirit.
Back Then: One piece swimsuits.
Now-A-Days: Yikes!
Back Then: Sheets and pillow cases sold separately in twin and double sizes.
Now-A-Days: Assorted sizes of sheet sets include one flat, one fitted, and pillow cases. Bedding sets include sheets, pillow cases, comforter, pillow shams and dust ruffle.
Back Then: Drive-in movies. 
Now-A-Days: Video rental stores or multiple-screen movie theatres.
Back Then: Clean kitchen floor using cotton mop, bucket of water, and Spic and Span; will eventually have to buy more Spick and Span.
Now-A-Days: Swiffer WetJet starter kit, will later need batteries, cleaning solution, and cleaning pad replacements.
Back Then: Freshen stale air in house by opening windows.
Now-A-Days: Sprays, solids, liquids, and candles available scented and unscented from dozens of manufacturers.
Back Then: Have ice delivered in blocks or make ice cubes in tiny refrigerator ice tray compartment.
Now-A-Days: Pick up ten pound bags of ice at convenience store.
Back Then: TV had no sound and was called radio.
Now-A-Days: Antenna, cable, satellite on giant screen, portable, battery operated, and hand held TVs.
Back Then: Bulky upright vacuum cleaner.
Now-A-Days: Roomba.
Back Then: Gossiping over the fence.
Now-A-Days: Blogging
Now-A-Days: Swiffer WetJet starter kit, will later need batteries, cleaning solution, and cleaning pad replacements.
Back Then: Freshen stale air in house by opening windows.
Now-A-Days: Sprays, solids, liquids, and candles available scented and unscented from dozens of manufacturers.
Back Then: Have ice delivered in blocks or make ice cubes in tiny refrigerator ice tray compartment.
Now-A-Days: Pick up ten pound bags of ice at convenience store.
Back Then: TV had no sound and was called radio.
Now-A-Days: Antenna, cable, satellite on giant screen, portable, battery operated, and hand held TVs.
Back Then: Bulky upright vacuum cleaner.
Now-A-Days: Roomba.
Back Then: Gossiping over the fence.
Now-A-Days: Blogging
© Copyright 2008 Suzzwords
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Frayed Nerves and One Bent Shingle
by Susan Burnell
(Note from Suzzwords: My friend Susan Burnell, her husband, teenage son and two cats live in northwest Houston, where they "sheltered in place" safely during Hurricane Ike.
She is now involved with a fundraising effort by the local chapter of the International Association of Business Communicators to help injured and displaced employees of the historic restaurant, Brennan's of Houston, which suffered a devastating fire during the storm.
Susan is a free-lance professional writer (visit her website Imagination Ink) whose clients include Forbes, The Wall Street Journal and The Menninger Clinic. She also developed and maintains American Travel Sampler.
She is guest-blogging on Suzzwords today, sharing her experience before, during and after Hurricane Ike struck Texas on September 13, 2008.)
I survived Hurricane Ike. Our sturdy brick home weathered the storm beautifully. The worst part was eight and a half days without electricity in the Houston heat.
During the height of the storm, I dragged my yoga mat and a blanket, a 99-cent LED flashlight and a wind-up radio into the master bedroom closet and tried to sleep. The roar of the storm was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. The closet was the safest spot in the house and also the quietest. Between 2 and 3 a.m., when the wind was at its most ferocious, the power went out.
I thought I was pretty well prepared. Friends who’d been through hurricanes recommended freezing containers of water ahead of time and doing all the laundry. That was excellent advice. Those blocks of ice lasted a long time. Having clean clothes to change into helped make me feel human.
There are a few things that don’t always get mentioned in the hurricane preparedness guides. These came in especially handy for me after Ike’s strike:
Hair scrunchies – without a hair dryer, I gathered my wet hair into a style reminiscent of the “I Dream of Jeannie” look. So very fashion-forward.
Battery operated votive candles – perfect as night lights, safer than burning candles. They have an on-off switch. Keep away from small children, the batteries are tiny.
Portable power inverter – this hooks up to your car battery. Until we were able to acquire a generator on Day 6, it powered the laptop and 5-inch TV.
Chocolate – I attribute a large portion of my sanity to this essential supply.
Mobile broadband – this supplied the remainder of my sanity when DSL went out. About $2 a day with a two year contract, but I would have paid more, just to get online news, weather and email.
Farmland Lil’ Milk – small containers of milk that don’t need refrigeration. Great in coffee. A decent substitute when you need cream for your Kahlua.
Zip-loc bags – all sizes. Great for storing items in the cooler so they don’t get soggy. Also good for dividing ice from large store-bought ice bags to fit into coolers. And if you’ve never had a heaping helping of pasta salad and a couple of boiled eggs out of a baggie, you really can’t call yourself a camper.
Hurricane cookies – I adapted an oatmeal cookie recipe and made several big batches before the storm. Took some to each family in the cul-de-sac ahead of time, exchanged phone numbers and promised to watch one another’s roofs. That little bit of neighborliness came back to us in wonderful ways. One neighbor with a generator kept us supplied with ice. Another let us know about the bent shingle, which he could see from his second-story window.
An online community – or several, if you are lucky. When phones didn’t work, emails from friends, family, colleagues and customers were a precious connection to the outside world.
P.S. Here's the cookie recipe.
Crispy Oatmeal Cookies aka Hurricane Cookies
Ingredients
1/2 cup (1 stick) margarine or butter, softened
1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 cup flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup oatmeal
1 cup Rice Krispies
1 cup Craisins (cranberry or orange flavor)
Directions
Set oven to 350
Blend margarine and sugars with mixer on low speed.
Add egg and vanilla, mix well.
Add flour and baking soda, mix until smooth.
Stir in oats, Rice Krispies and Craisins.
Drop by rounded teaspoonfuls on greased cookie sheet
Bake for 12 minutes or until brown.
Cool and store in an airtight container.
(Note from Suzzwords: My friend Susan Burnell, her husband, teenage son and two cats live in northwest Houston, where they "sheltered in place" safely during Hurricane Ike.
She is now involved with a fundraising effort by the local chapter of the International Association of Business Communicators to help injured and displaced employees of the historic restaurant, Brennan's of Houston, which suffered a devastating fire during the storm.
Susan is a free-lance professional writer (visit her website Imagination Ink) whose clients include Forbes, The Wall Street Journal and The Menninger Clinic. She also developed and maintains American Travel Sampler.
She is guest-blogging on Suzzwords today, sharing her experience before, during and after Hurricane Ike struck Texas on September 13, 2008.)
I survived Hurricane Ike. Our sturdy brick home weathered the storm beautifully. The worst part was eight and a half days without electricity in the Houston heat.
During the height of the storm, I dragged my yoga mat and a blanket, a 99-cent LED flashlight and a wind-up radio into the master bedroom closet and tried to sleep. The roar of the storm was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. The closet was the safest spot in the house and also the quietest. Between 2 and 3 a.m., when the wind was at its most ferocious, the power went out.
I thought I was pretty well prepared. Friends who’d been through hurricanes recommended freezing containers of water ahead of time and doing all the laundry. That was excellent advice. Those blocks of ice lasted a long time. Having clean clothes to change into helped make me feel human.
There are a few things that don’t always get mentioned in the hurricane preparedness guides. These came in especially handy for me after Ike’s strike:
Hair scrunchies – without a hair dryer, I gathered my wet hair into a style reminiscent of the “I Dream of Jeannie” look. So very fashion-forward.
Battery operated votive candles – perfect as night lights, safer than burning candles. They have an on-off switch. Keep away from small children, the batteries are tiny.
Portable power inverter – this hooks up to your car battery. Until we were able to acquire a generator on Day 6, it powered the laptop and 5-inch TV.
Chocolate – I attribute a large portion of my sanity to this essential supply.
Mobile broadband – this supplied the remainder of my sanity when DSL went out. About $2 a day with a two year contract, but I would have paid more, just to get online news, weather and email.
Farmland Lil’ Milk – small containers of milk that don’t need refrigeration. Great in coffee. A decent substitute when you need cream for your Kahlua.
Zip-loc bags – all sizes. Great for storing items in the cooler so they don’t get soggy. Also good for dividing ice from large store-bought ice bags to fit into coolers. And if you’ve never had a heaping helping of pasta salad and a couple of boiled eggs out of a baggie, you really can’t call yourself a camper.
Hurricane cookies – I adapted an oatmeal cookie recipe and made several big batches before the storm. Took some to each family in the cul-de-sac ahead of time, exchanged phone numbers and promised to watch one another’s roofs. That little bit of neighborliness came back to us in wonderful ways. One neighbor with a generator kept us supplied with ice. Another let us know about the bent shingle, which he could see from his second-story window.
An online community – or several, if you are lucky. When phones didn’t work, emails from friends, family, colleagues and customers were a precious connection to the outside world.
P.S. Here's the cookie recipe.
Crispy Oatmeal Cookies aka Hurricane Cookies
Ingredients
1/2 cup (1 stick) margarine or butter, softened
1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 cup flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup oatmeal
1 cup Rice Krispies
1 cup Craisins (cranberry or orange flavor)
Directions
Set oven to 350
Blend margarine and sugars with mixer on low speed.
Add egg and vanilla, mix well.
Add flour and baking soda, mix until smooth.
Stir in oats, Rice Krispies and Craisins.
Drop by rounded teaspoonfuls on greased cookie sheet
Bake for 12 minutes or until brown.
Cool and store in an airtight container.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Bugs in Light Fixtures
With all the amazing discoveries and advances in science, you would think someone would figure out why bugs crawl into light fixtures. Why don’t they just crawl back out? Do they have some sort of death wish or it is elder bug tradition to be slowly toasted to dust rather than be a burden on their families?
What is really intriguing is how they get into closed light fixtures; you know, the ones with the globes or covers that fit into holders and have to be tightened down. Do they transform into slivers of themselves, able to collapse their outer shells in order to fit between the fixture and holder. Do child bugs have to attend special classes to learn this skill?
Here in Florida we have a variety of light-seeking bugs, so you never know what you will find in a light fixture. Unfortunately, by the time you finally take the fixture down to change the bulb, what ever the bug was, it no longer is. Are bug remains flammable?
Now that the longer-lasting compact fluorescent lamps have come on the market, does that mean by that by the time we change bulbs any remnants of bug life will have long desiccated into powder? Humm, wonder if bug powder can be turned into an energy source, sort of like cow chips? I can see it now, huge factories toasting bugs to supply the fuel needs of tiny autos powered by bug powder. Then there would be bug bounty hunters on the prowl for bigger bugs to supply our never-ending quest for cheap alternative fuel.
Maybe the solution to bug-filled light fixtures would be trap doors in the fixture to dump the bugs out. You know, kind of like changing the batteries in the smoke alarms once a quarter – change batteries, dump bugs.
Whew, I’m glad we solved THAT problem.
© Copyright 2008 Suzzwords
What is really intriguing is how they get into closed light fixtures; you know, the ones with the globes or covers that fit into holders and have to be tightened down. Do they transform into slivers of themselves, able to collapse their outer shells in order to fit between the fixture and holder. Do child bugs have to attend special classes to learn this skill?
Here in Florida we have a variety of light-seeking bugs, so you never know what you will find in a light fixture. Unfortunately, by the time you finally take the fixture down to change the bulb, what ever the bug was, it no longer is. Are bug remains flammable?
Now that the longer-lasting compact fluorescent lamps have come on the market, does that mean by that by the time we change bulbs any remnants of bug life will have long desiccated into powder? Humm, wonder if bug powder can be turned into an energy source, sort of like cow chips? I can see it now, huge factories toasting bugs to supply the fuel needs of tiny autos powered by bug powder. Then there would be bug bounty hunters on the prowl for bigger bugs to supply our never-ending quest for cheap alternative fuel.
Maybe the solution to bug-filled light fixtures would be trap doors in the fixture to dump the bugs out. You know, kind of like changing the batteries in the smoke alarms once a quarter – change batteries, dump bugs.
Whew, I’m glad we solved THAT problem.
© Copyright 2008 Suzzwords
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Good Riddance, TS Fay
There are certain truths about human behavior with the approach, arrival, and departure of tropical storms and hurricanes. There are always a few, who, even after negative experience from previous storms, still follow the same pattern. If you live in coastal regions subject to hurricanes and tropical storms and exhibit any of the behaviors listed below, please move to another country.
1. Refuse to remove or trim trees dangerously close to houses or buildings with the excuses of A.) I had no idea it would fall on your car; B.) That limb in your roof is not my fault, it was and act of God; C.) Tree? What tree?
2. Think those garbage cans, toys, and lawn furniture won’t become flying missiles during fifty mile per hour winds. Besides the garage/carport/store room is too full of old stuff to bring all the yard stuff inside.
3. Wait until fifteen minutes before the storm’s arrival to stock up and get gas and then get mad because there is no bread, milk, charcoal, batteries, or brewskis left at the convenience store and the heavy rain dilutes the gas they are pumping into their pickup trucks.
4. Decide to “ride it out” despite dire warnings from government offices issuing evacuation orders.
5. Four hours after the storm’s arrival decide to evacuate.
6. Go out driving during the height of the storm just to see “how bad it is” and then explain to the rescue personnel that they didn’t see the utility pole because the sideways rain was coming down too hard and their eight-year old windshield wipers weren’t working.
7. Call a tree removal company during the storm and ask if they can come remove a tree from their roof.
8. Call the roofer during the storm and ask if they can come fix a leak.
9. Go outside during the storm for a smoke and wonder why they can’t get a wet cigarette lit.
10. Open windows during the storm to let in the fresh air and wonder by the floor and furniture gets wet. (Gee, Hon, I had no idea the wind would blow in all that rain. Oh, well, the insurance will cover the damage and we need new carpet anyway.)
11. After the storm, asks the neighbors for bread, milk, and brewskis. (Don’t need charcoal, forgot to get it, unless you can spare some of them hotdogs. Oh, and got any buns, too? And some of that mustard? How’s about we just come on over to eat?)
12. Drive into water of unknown depth and complain when the car engine stalls out, they have to be rescued, and the car floats away just after they are plucked to safety by exhausted and overworked police, fire and rescue personnel.
13. Expect the “government” to be responsible for the damage or destruction to their homes and provide food, shelter, clothing, and an allowance for the rest of their lives.
© Copyright 2008 Suzzwords
1. Refuse to remove or trim trees dangerously close to houses or buildings with the excuses of A.) I had no idea it would fall on your car; B.) That limb in your roof is not my fault, it was and act of God; C.) Tree? What tree?
2. Think those garbage cans, toys, and lawn furniture won’t become flying missiles during fifty mile per hour winds. Besides the garage/carport/store room is too full of old stuff to bring all the yard stuff inside.
3. Wait until fifteen minutes before the storm’s arrival to stock up and get gas and then get mad because there is no bread, milk, charcoal, batteries, or brewskis left at the convenience store and the heavy rain dilutes the gas they are pumping into their pickup trucks.
4. Decide to “ride it out” despite dire warnings from government offices issuing evacuation orders.
5. Four hours after the storm’s arrival decide to evacuate.
6. Go out driving during the height of the storm just to see “how bad it is” and then explain to the rescue personnel that they didn’t see the utility pole because the sideways rain was coming down too hard and their eight-year old windshield wipers weren’t working.
7. Call a tree removal company during the storm and ask if they can come remove a tree from their roof.
8. Call the roofer during the storm and ask if they can come fix a leak.
9. Go outside during the storm for a smoke and wonder why they can’t get a wet cigarette lit.
10. Open windows during the storm to let in the fresh air and wonder by the floor and furniture gets wet. (Gee, Hon, I had no idea the wind would blow in all that rain. Oh, well, the insurance will cover the damage and we need new carpet anyway.)
11. After the storm, asks the neighbors for bread, milk, and brewskis. (Don’t need charcoal, forgot to get it, unless you can spare some of them hotdogs. Oh, and got any buns, too? And some of that mustard? How’s about we just come on over to eat?)
12. Drive into water of unknown depth and complain when the car engine stalls out, they have to be rescued, and the car floats away just after they are plucked to safety by exhausted and overworked police, fire and rescue personnel.
13. Expect the “government” to be responsible for the damage or destruction to their homes and provide food, shelter, clothing, and an allowance for the rest of their lives.
© Copyright 2008 Suzzwords
Friday, August 01, 2008
Clouds
Before television, video games, and computers, kids went outside to play. We didn’t need fancy electronic toys or expensive outdoor “equipment.” We had imagination. Imagination could turn a stick into a magic wand, a large cardboard box into a space ship, and clouds into anything. On lazy, hot summer days, we would spread our blankets or old quilts under the trees, lie on our backs and describe to each other what we saw floating overhead.
When I stepped outside today, I was struck by what a good “cloud day” this is and snapped a few photos to share with you. What do you see?
© Copyright text and photos 2008 Suzzwords
When I stepped outside today, I was struck by what a good “cloud day” this is and snapped a few photos to share with you. What do you see?
© Copyright text and photos 2008 Suzzwords
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Revenge of the Small Cars
Do you drive a small car? You know, the kind tall people have to fold into and short people love for the head room? Have you felt intimidated by the big, really big, luxury sedans, monster pickups, SUVs, and vans that come stalking up behind you on the expressway? Have you seen the smirky looks on the driver’s faces as they loom over you when passing?
Hahahahahaha, you big car drivers!
Who's laughing now? Instead of bragging about flip-down DVD players, fifteen cup holders, and fold-down seats to make an area large enough to transport a small elephant (not that anyone would want to), we small car drivers are filling up with regular gas and laughing all the way down the highway on our twenty-five plus M.P.G.
You probably bought your small car because it was what you could afford, lusting instead for a nice big roomy Ford Expedition or Cadillac Escalade. As of this writing, Motor Trend says the 2009 Escalade 2WD is priced at $55,640 to $60,610.
The Department of Energy’s report on that model Escalade, says it costs about $7.75 to go twenty-five miles! With a twenty-six gallon fuel tank, that’s over a hundred bucks to fill up with Premium (that’s P-R-E-M-I-U-M).
Lust not, small car drivers!
Can’t you just see us now toodling down the highway in our "economy cars?" We approach a big, fat, expensive monster going below the speed limit to conserve gas, we zip ahead in the passing lane, smirking and feeling superior for a change.
At the count of three us Honda, Toyota, Scion, Mazda, Hyundai, VW, and the other small car drivers, all together now, One, Two, Three: Hahahahahaha!!!!
P.S. If you are driving an alternate-fuel vehicle, laugh twice.
Hahahahahaha, you big car drivers!
Who's laughing now? Instead of bragging about flip-down DVD players, fifteen cup holders, and fold-down seats to make an area large enough to transport a small elephant (not that anyone would want to), we small car drivers are filling up with regular gas and laughing all the way down the highway on our twenty-five plus M.P.G.
You probably bought your small car because it was what you could afford, lusting instead for a nice big roomy Ford Expedition or Cadillac Escalade. As of this writing, Motor Trend says the 2009 Escalade 2WD is priced at $55,640 to $60,610.
The Department of Energy’s report on that model Escalade, says it costs about $7.75 to go twenty-five miles! With a twenty-six gallon fuel tank, that’s over a hundred bucks to fill up with Premium (that’s P-R-E-M-I-U-M).
Lust not, small car drivers!
Can’t you just see us now toodling down the highway in our "economy cars?" We approach a big, fat, expensive monster going below the speed limit to conserve gas, we zip ahead in the passing lane, smirking and feeling superior for a change.
At the count of three us Honda, Toyota, Scion, Mazda, Hyundai, VW, and the other small car drivers, all together now, One, Two, Three: Hahahahahaha!!!!
P.S. If you are driving an alternate-fuel vehicle, laugh twice.
© Copyright 2008 Suzzwords
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Don’t Read This
You have probably seen at least one confidentially notice at the bottom of a forwarded email. If the contents of the email is especially funny or political (is there a difference?), the email may have been forwarded so many times that it picked up several notices.
Notices are apparently added automatically so the sender never sees what their company, organization or government has tagged to the bottom of the joke or cartoon they are sending to friends.
Few recipients go all the way to the bottom of their emails and read the notices; they either hit “delete” or “forward,” then go back to the real world. So for all those confidentially notices you missed, here’s a selection I’ve gathered over the past few months.
Names, places and other identifying information has been deleted to protect the innocent. These are real. Really.
“The information contained in this message may be privileged and confidential and protected from disclosure. If you are not the intended recipient of this message, you are hereby notified that any dissemination, distribution, or copying of this communication is strictly prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify us immediately by replying to the message, and please delete it from your computer.”
Comment: Apparently the message lost its disclosure protection.
“This e-mail may contain confidential or privileged information. This e-mail, including any attachments, is for the sole use of the intended recipient(s). Any unauthorized review, use, disclosure or distribution is prohibited. If you have received this e-mail in error, please notify the sender by reply e-mail, then delete it from your system without copying it. Thank you.”
Comment: Delete the sender or the email? You are welcome.
“(Name of Company) Circular 230 Notice: To ensure compliance with IRS requirements, we inform you that any U.S. federal tax advice contained in this communication is not intended or written to be used, and cannot be used by any taxpayer, for the purpose of avoiding any federal tax penalties. Any legal advice expressed in this message is being delivered to you solely for your use in connection with the matters addressed herein and may not be relied upon by any other person or entity or used for any other purpose without our prior written consent.”
Comment: What the hell does this mean?
“Confidentiality Notice from (Name of Company):The information contained in this e-mail and any attachments may be legally privileged and confidential. If you are not an intended recipient, you are hereby notified that any dissemination, distribution or copying of this e-mail and any attachments is strictly prohibited. If you received this e-mail in error, please notify the sender and permanently delete the e-mail and any attachments immediately. You should not retain, copy or use this e-mail or any attachment for any purpose, nor disclose all or any part of the contents to any other person. Thank you.”
Comment Sounds like the author copied four other notices.
“(Name of Company) and its related entities reserve the right to monitor all e-mail communications through their networks.”
Comment: Guess the company let this one slip through all those network monitors.
“CAUTION: electronic mail sent through the Internet is not secure and could be intercepted by a third party. For your protection, avoid sending identifying information such as account, Social Security, or card numbers to us or others. Further, do not send time-sensitive, action-oriented messages such as transaction orders, fund transfer instructions or check stop payments, as it is our policy not to accept such items electronically.”
Comment: Caution noted. But it’s okay to send jokes?
“This message w/attachments (message) may be privileged, confidential or proprietary, and if you are not an intended recipient, please notify the sender, do not use or share it and delete it. Unless specifically indicated, this message is not an offer to sell or a solicitation of any investment products or other financial product or service, an official confirmation of any transaction, or an official statement of (Name of Company). Subject to applicable law, (Name of Company) may monitor, review and retain e-communications (EC) traveling through its networks/systems. The laws of the country of each sender/recipient may impact the handling of EC, and EC may be archived, supervised and produced in countries other than the country in which you are located. This message cannot be guaranteed to be secure or error-free. This message is subject to terms available at the following link: (link removed). By messaging with (Name of Company) you consent to the foregoing.”
Comment: Why bother sending an EC? Who writes this stuff?
“This electronic mail may contain information that is privileged, proprietary and confidential and/or exempt from disclosure under applicable law. This transmission is intended solely for the individual or entity designated above. If you are not the intended recipient, you should understand that any distribution, copying, or use of the information contained in this transmission by anyone other than the intended recipient is unauthorized and strictly prohibited. If you have received this electronic mail in error, please immediately notify the sender and destroy all copies which you may have of this communication.”
Comment: Oops, wonder if the 120 individuals or entities above who got the cartoon were “designated.”
“STATEMENT OF CONFIDENTIALITY This e-mail message, including any attachments, is for the sole use of the intended recipient(s) and may include privileged or otherwise confidential information. Any unauthorized review, forwarding, printing, copying, use, disclosure or distribution is strictly prohibited and may be unlawful. If you received this message in error, or have reason to believe you are not the intended recipient, please contact the sender by reply e-mail and destroy all copies of the original message.”
Comment: I believe, I believe. After five forwards to dozens of people, this had to have undergone unauthorized review.
“DISCLAIMER:
This electronic transmission (and any attachments thereto) is intended solely for the use of the addressee(s). It may contain confidential or legally privileged information. If you are not the intended recipient of this message, you must delete it immediately and notify the sender. Any unauthorized use or disclosure of this message is strictly prohibited. (Name of Company) does not guarantee the integrity of this transmission and shall therefore never be liable if the message is altered or falsified nor for any virus, interception or damage to your system.”
Comment: Hold on here, if you delete the message immediately, then notify the sender, how do you know who to notify? And don’t blame them for any virus, either because they said they will never be liable. Ever. So there.
“This message and any attachments are intended only for the use of the addressee and may contain information that is privileged and confidential. If the reader of the message is not the intended recipient or an authorized representative of the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that any dissemination of this communication is strictly prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, notify the sender immediately by return email and delete the message and any attachments from your system.”
Comment: Oh, okay, this one explains it better. Glad I was hereby notified.
“***** CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE *****
This email may contain (Name of Company) trade secrets and/or proprietary information. This email is intended to be reviewed only by the individual or organization named above. If you are not the intended recipient or an authorized representative of the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that any review, dissemination or copying of this email and its attachments, if any, or the information contained herein is prohibited. If you have received this email in error, please immediately notify the sender by return email and delete this email and attachments, if any, from your system.
***** CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE *****”
Comment: Oooh. These people are serious … wonder what the trade secrets are.
“Under (State name deleted) law, e-mail addresses are public records. If you do not want your e-mail address released in response to a public records request, do not send electronic mail to this entity. Instead, contact this office by phone or in writing.”
Comment: Just call, that entity will give you all the email addresses.
“CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE: This message is intended for the use of the individual or entity to which it is addressed and may contain information that is privileged, confidential and exempt from disclosure under applicable law. If the reader of this message is not the intended recipient or the employee or agent responsible for delivering this message to the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that any dissemination, distribution or copying of this communication is strictly prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify us immediately by email reply.”
Comment: Bet a lawyer wrote this one.
“This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they are addressed. If you have received this email in error please notify the system manager. This footnote also confirms that this email message has been swept by MIMEsweeper for the presence of computer viruses. This message is for the designated recipient only and may contain privileged, proprietary or otherwise private information. If you have received it in error, please notify the sender immediately and delete the original. Any other use of the email by you is prohibited.
Dansk - Deutsch - Espanol - Francais - Italiano - Japanese - Nederlands - Norsk - Portuguese - Svenska: (Email address deleted.)"
Comment: Wow … eleven languages and virus free, too. But wait, how do you know who has the original … the sender or the 240 people who received the joke?
“Unless notified to the contrary by the sender, the recipient should consider the contents of this message including any attachments to be confidential. If you are not the intended recipient and have received this message in error, please contact (Company name deleted) immediately by sending an email to (Email address deleted) and then delete this message from your system. Saving, copying or disseminating an inadvertently received email could violate state and Federal privacy laws. All emails received by or sent from (Company name deleted) may be provided to regulators or law enforcement agencies, or used for other purposes consistent with (Company name deleted) business interests. Thank you for your cooperation.” Comment: Too late, this thing was disseminated to hundreds of people. Hope it didn’t affect your business interests. You are welcome.
“Public Records Law Disclosure
This e-mail is a public record of the City of (Name of City Deleted) and is subject to public disclosure unless exempt from disclosure under (State name deleted) Public Records Law. This email is subject to the State Retention Schedule.”
Comment: Why government employees should not send jokes by government email. Thank goodness it’s the email and not the employee who could be retained forever.
The end.
© Copyright 2008 Suzzwords
You have probably seen at least one confidentially notice at the bottom of a forwarded email. If the contents of the email is especially funny or political (is there a difference?), the email may have been forwarded so many times that it picked up several notices.
Notices are apparently added automatically so the sender never sees what their company, organization or government has tagged to the bottom of the joke or cartoon they are sending to friends.
Few recipients go all the way to the bottom of their emails and read the notices; they either hit “delete” or “forward,” then go back to the real world. So for all those confidentially notices you missed, here’s a selection I’ve gathered over the past few months.
Names, places and other identifying information has been deleted to protect the innocent. These are real. Really.
“The information contained in this message may be privileged and confidential and protected from disclosure. If you are not the intended recipient of this message, you are hereby notified that any dissemination, distribution, or copying of this communication is strictly prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify us immediately by replying to the message, and please delete it from your computer.”
Comment: Apparently the message lost its disclosure protection.
“This e-mail may contain confidential or privileged information. This e-mail, including any attachments, is for the sole use of the intended recipient(s). Any unauthorized review, use, disclosure or distribution is prohibited. If you have received this e-mail in error, please notify the sender by reply e-mail, then delete it from your system without copying it. Thank you.”
Comment: Delete the sender or the email? You are welcome.
“(Name of Company) Circular 230 Notice: To ensure compliance with IRS requirements, we inform you that any U.S. federal tax advice contained in this communication is not intended or written to be used, and cannot be used by any taxpayer, for the purpose of avoiding any federal tax penalties. Any legal advice expressed in this message is being delivered to you solely for your use in connection with the matters addressed herein and may not be relied upon by any other person or entity or used for any other purpose without our prior written consent.”
Comment: What the hell does this mean?
“Confidentiality Notice from (Name of Company):The information contained in this e-mail and any attachments may be legally privileged and confidential. If you are not an intended recipient, you are hereby notified that any dissemination, distribution or copying of this e-mail and any attachments is strictly prohibited. If you received this e-mail in error, please notify the sender and permanently delete the e-mail and any attachments immediately. You should not retain, copy or use this e-mail or any attachment for any purpose, nor disclose all or any part of the contents to any other person. Thank you.”
Comment Sounds like the author copied four other notices.
“(Name of Company) and its related entities reserve the right to monitor all e-mail communications through their networks.”
Comment: Guess the company let this one slip through all those network monitors.
“CAUTION: electronic mail sent through the Internet is not secure and could be intercepted by a third party. For your protection, avoid sending identifying information such as account, Social Security, or card numbers to us or others. Further, do not send time-sensitive, action-oriented messages such as transaction orders, fund transfer instructions or check stop payments, as it is our policy not to accept such items electronically.”
Comment: Caution noted. But it’s okay to send jokes?
“This message w/attachments (message) may be privileged, confidential or proprietary, and if you are not an intended recipient, please notify the sender, do not use or share it and delete it. Unless specifically indicated, this message is not an offer to sell or a solicitation of any investment products or other financial product or service, an official confirmation of any transaction, or an official statement of (Name of Company). Subject to applicable law, (Name of Company) may monitor, review and retain e-communications (EC) traveling through its networks/systems. The laws of the country of each sender/recipient may impact the handling of EC, and EC may be archived, supervised and produced in countries other than the country in which you are located. This message cannot be guaranteed to be secure or error-free. This message is subject to terms available at the following link: (link removed). By messaging with (Name of Company) you consent to the foregoing.”
Comment: Why bother sending an EC? Who writes this stuff?
“This electronic mail may contain information that is privileged, proprietary and confidential and/or exempt from disclosure under applicable law. This transmission is intended solely for the individual or entity designated above. If you are not the intended recipient, you should understand that any distribution, copying, or use of the information contained in this transmission by anyone other than the intended recipient is unauthorized and strictly prohibited. If you have received this electronic mail in error, please immediately notify the sender and destroy all copies which you may have of this communication.”
Comment: Oops, wonder if the 120 individuals or entities above who got the cartoon were “designated.”
“STATEMENT OF CONFIDENTIALITY This e-mail message, including any attachments, is for the sole use of the intended recipient(s) and may include privileged or otherwise confidential information. Any unauthorized review, forwarding, printing, copying, use, disclosure or distribution is strictly prohibited and may be unlawful. If you received this message in error, or have reason to believe you are not the intended recipient, please contact the sender by reply e-mail and destroy all copies of the original message.”
Comment: I believe, I believe. After five forwards to dozens of people, this had to have undergone unauthorized review.
“DISCLAIMER:
This electronic transmission (and any attachments thereto) is intended solely for the use of the addressee(s). It may contain confidential or legally privileged information. If you are not the intended recipient of this message, you must delete it immediately and notify the sender. Any unauthorized use or disclosure of this message is strictly prohibited. (Name of Company) does not guarantee the integrity of this transmission and shall therefore never be liable if the message is altered or falsified nor for any virus, interception or damage to your system.”
Comment: Hold on here, if you delete the message immediately, then notify the sender, how do you know who to notify? And don’t blame them for any virus, either because they said they will never be liable. Ever. So there.
“This message and any attachments are intended only for the use of the addressee and may contain information that is privileged and confidential. If the reader of the message is not the intended recipient or an authorized representative of the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that any dissemination of this communication is strictly prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, notify the sender immediately by return email and delete the message and any attachments from your system.”
Comment: Oh, okay, this one explains it better. Glad I was hereby notified.
“***** CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE *****
This email may contain (Name of Company) trade secrets and/or proprietary information. This email is intended to be reviewed only by the individual or organization named above. If you are not the intended recipient or an authorized representative of the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that any review, dissemination or copying of this email and its attachments, if any, or the information contained herein is prohibited. If you have received this email in error, please immediately notify the sender by return email and delete this email and attachments, if any, from your system.
***** CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE *****”
Comment: Oooh. These people are serious … wonder what the trade secrets are.
“Under (State name deleted) law, e-mail addresses are public records. If you do not want your e-mail address released in response to a public records request, do not send electronic mail to this entity. Instead, contact this office by phone or in writing.”
Comment: Just call, that entity will give you all the email addresses.
“CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE: This message is intended for the use of the individual or entity to which it is addressed and may contain information that is privileged, confidential and exempt from disclosure under applicable law. If the reader of this message is not the intended recipient or the employee or agent responsible for delivering this message to the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that any dissemination, distribution or copying of this communication is strictly prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify us immediately by email reply.”
Comment: Bet a lawyer wrote this one.
“This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they are addressed. If you have received this email in error please notify the system manager. This footnote also confirms that this email message has been swept by MIMEsweeper for the presence of computer viruses. This message is for the designated recipient only and may contain privileged, proprietary or otherwise private information. If you have received it in error, please notify the sender immediately and delete the original. Any other use of the email by you is prohibited.
Dansk - Deutsch - Espanol - Francais - Italiano - Japanese - Nederlands - Norsk - Portuguese - Svenska: (Email address deleted.)"
Comment: Wow … eleven languages and virus free, too. But wait, how do you know who has the original … the sender or the 240 people who received the joke?
“Unless notified to the contrary by the sender, the recipient should consider the contents of this message including any attachments to be confidential. If you are not the intended recipient and have received this message in error, please contact (Company name deleted) immediately by sending an email to (Email address deleted) and then delete this message from your system. Saving, copying or disseminating an inadvertently received email could violate state and Federal privacy laws. All emails received by or sent from (Company name deleted) may be provided to regulators or law enforcement agencies, or used for other purposes consistent with (Company name deleted) business interests. Thank you for your cooperation.” Comment: Too late, this thing was disseminated to hundreds of people. Hope it didn’t affect your business interests. You are welcome.
“Public Records Law Disclosure
This e-mail is a public record of the City of (Name of City Deleted) and is subject to public disclosure unless exempt from disclosure under (State name deleted) Public Records Law. This email is subject to the State Retention Schedule.”
Comment: Why government employees should not send jokes by government email. Thank goodness it’s the email and not the employee who could be retained forever.
The end.
© Copyright 2008 Suzzwords
Monday, July 14, 2008
Good Bye, Sweet Olive
Olive Riley, the world’s oldest blogger, passed away Saturday, July 12, at the age of 108.
Her blog – or blob – as she called it, was read by thousands around the world. From her first post in February 2007, Olive documented life events and sang happy songs that gave many of her readers historical insights into what it was like to grow up in Broken Hill, Australia.
Olive Riley was an amazing woman who made a profound impact on the elder blogging community as well as her non-blogging readers.
We will miss you and remember you, Olive, and pray your inspirational spirit will sing happy songs in Heaven.
http://www.allaboutolive.com.au/
http://www.nola.com/newsflash/index.ssf?/base/international-1/1216040942169430.xml&storylist=international
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2008/07/14/2303077.htm?section=justin
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/australiaandthepacific/australia/2300357/World
Her blog – or blob – as she called it, was read by thousands around the world. From her first post in February 2007, Olive documented life events and sang happy songs that gave many of her readers historical insights into what it was like to grow up in Broken Hill, Australia.
Olive Riley was an amazing woman who made a profound impact on the elder blogging community as well as her non-blogging readers.
We will miss you and remember you, Olive, and pray your inspirational spirit will sing happy songs in Heaven.
http://www.allaboutolive.com.au/
http://www.nola.com/newsflash/index.ssf?/base/international-1/1216040942169430.xml&storylist=international
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2008/07/14/2303077.htm?section=justin
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/australiaandthepacific/australia/2300357/World
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Happy Birthday America
Mother Nature put on her own spectacular display in celebration of our Nation's birthday.
History of Independence Day from the History Channel
© Copyright text and photo 2008 Suzzwords
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