Thursday, August 18, 2005

The Alien Theory

Most of the people I’ve known for any length of time have heard my theory about aliens snatching good body parts and leaving behind the older parts they had been wearing. My friends and I heartily agree it has happened to us. That’s why we look so much older now than we did when we were 23.

My theory is that when we arrive at maturity, anywhere from 18 to 24, and we are at our physical peak, our bodies are done “growing” and cease to age. If it were not for these damn aliens running off with our parts, we would be gorgeous, young and energetic forever.

Now I know you are thinking this is a lot of bunk. Uh, huh. Look at your hands. If you are over 30, are those the hands you started out with? Look in the mirror. See what I mean? If you are over 50, I bet that is not your neck and that flab around your butt isn’t yours either.

Over the years, depending on how old you are, parts have been repeatedly snatched from right under your nose. Speaking of under your nose, girlfriends, did you always have that little mustache?

Here’s how it works. The aliens sneak down to earth in their invisible space crafts. (Yes, invisible! Have you ever seen one?) Their bodies are very old and wrinkly with splotches and saggy places and most of the little old women aliens have flaps under their arms. (Now you have seen those, right?)

The aliens start working backwards, or maybe that’s forwards for them, starting with the older people first. You are pre-selected (kinda like all those offers for credit cards) for which part or parts can be snatched. When you are sleeping, the aliens furtively apparate (Harry Potter term) from their crafts to your sleeping quarters. Whooosh. Before you can snore once, there go your hands, maybe the skin around your eyes, a tooth or two, your vision. Over the years, you are all old and wrinkly and the aliens are strutting around in all the good stuff they have collected over the years.

Can it happen to them? Sure, if they are not careful. Why do you think all these cosmetic companies are promising to rejuvenate and preserve that youthful look? Yep. Alien companies.

Can you stop the aliens? Only if you catch them and quickly snatch back any parts you want. Don’t forget the inside parts, too. Get the ones that work real good. Be warned, those aliens are pretty fast and they sometimes sneak up in twosies and threesies.

Well, now that you know what’s going on, you can be on the lookout. From now on, when you look in the mirror and that “older” person looks back, it’s not your fault. It’s the aliens.

The only way you can keep anyone from knowing you are "getting older" is to eat lots of garlic. Oh, and don't bathe. And live in a cave. You still “age" because aliens can't smell, but you will stink so bad humans won't come near you.

The good news about being avoided is that you won’t have to listen to that lie, “Oh, my gosh, you haven’t changed a bit!”

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