Memorial Day 2008

"Memorial Day is a United States Federal holiday observed on the last Monday of May (in 2008 on May 26). Formerly known as Decoration Day, it commemorates U.S. men and women who perished while in military service to their country. First enacted to honor Union soldiers of the American Civil War, it was expanded after World War I to include casualties of any war or military action ." Wikipedia

America The Beautiful

O beautiful for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!

America! America!
God shed His grace on thee,
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!

O beautiful for pilgrim feet
Whose stern impassion'd stress
A thoroughfare for freedom beat
Across the wilderness.

America! America!
God mend thine ev'ry flaw,
Confirm thy soul in self-control,
Thy liberty in law.

O beautiful for heroes prov'd
In liberating strife,
Who more than self their country loved,
And mercy more than life.

America! America!
May God thy gold refine
Till all success be nobleness,
And ev'ry gain divine.

O beautiful for patriot dream
That sees beyond the years
Thine alabaster cities gleam
Undimmed by human tears.

America! America!
God shed His grace on thee,
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea.

In memory of
the men and women
who gave us
America the Beautiful.

Is Grits Plural or Singular?

Most of us know what grits is – are. What I can’t figure out what is a grit and how many grit does it takes to make grits.

It’s pretty obvious that a bowl of grits is singular, but what about that small grit and a zillion of his buddies in the bowl? Grits, right? But since they are all mooshed and cooked together in a delicious goopy glob, I’m thinking that the glob must be singular, hence, “Grit is good.”

Oops, wait, is they good or are it they good? I’m so confused.

You can’t eat just a single grit. Well, before it is cooked you can, but what’s the point? So that makes the single grit good. Eat two single grit and they are good. Aha! If two single grits are good, then grit are good.

No, no, that’s not right. What if you plop a spoonful of grits on a single Kleenex? See where this going?

This is just too hard to think about. I’m going to go make breakfast now. While I’m stirring my pot of grits, tell me how you make grits. Since a grit just might be gender specific and I don’t want to offend, tell me is they good?

© Copyright 2008 Suzzwords

Tenacity

Oh, please. You think YOU have a tough life?

© Copyright text and photo 2008 Suzzwords

Fat Bubble

Men won’t understand this. Women who have been as much as six ounces overweight will understand the meaning of “fat bubble.” I think fat bubbles have been around a long time, but really began to be recognized with the wide-spread use of pantyhose.

Any woman who has ever worn a pair of pantyhose and snagged them, knows what that blob of flesh is peeking out of the hole. Yup, it’s a fat bubble and depending on your scale-tipping measurements in relation to the hole, it could be just a simple little bulge or a whopping protuberance.

The most annoying kind of fat bubble is when your pantyhose tear over a toe and soon one little pinkie begins to swell up like a fine handmade sausage in a hot skillet. Then, when you rip off the hose three hours later, you scream in pain as the blood returns to the pale and shrieking toe.

About the time pantyhose became popular, colored ink markers made their appearance. When black pantyhose were all the rage to match slinky little black dresses, many women were known to repair runs and fat bubbles by swabbing the glaring mishap (A.K.A. skin) with a handy marking pen. They also got a quick high from the marker ink. Too bad marker manufacturers caught on to the alluring scent of the ink; we fat bubble victims had a good thing going.

One of my friends once repaired her white pantyhose (all the rage during the “cute little print dresses” period) with a good old office standby. Oh, come on, you all know about White Out. Unfortunately, the White Out kind of glued the hose to her leg and she reported the next day that she had to cut the fabric away and scrub her leg to remove the last vestiges of the correction fluid.

So there you have it, the scandalous repair deception behind unsightly fat bubbles. See, I told you men would not understand this. Uh, well, at least the men who do not wear pantyhose, but let’s leave that subject for another day.


© Copyright 2008 Suzzwords

Remember This?

If you can remember this and actually used Air Mail, you are sooooooo "mature."

Moral: Clean out closets more often.

© Copyright text and photo 2008 Suzzwords

Going “Green” My Way

I’ve come up with a wonderful way that I can contribute to health and safety of the environment this spring and summer growing season. I’m going to let my small yard “go back to nature.” I’m going “green.”

The neighbors might not be too keen on this idea, so I will just have to remind them of my quest for cleaner air, soil, and water.

Here’s the plan.

I’ll prevent toxic emissions from my gas-powered lawn mower from polluting the air, as well as extend the non-sustainable fuel supply. (I’ll quit mowing the grass.)

By eliminating the use of electric hedge clippers and electric grass edger, I’ll lower my consumption of electricity supplied by a coal-powered electric generating station. ( No clipee, no trimee.)

As the native plants (weeds) and trees (big weeds) take over, choking out all the flora and fauna I’ve planted over the years (no weeding), the rain water will be better filtered into the already diminishing FloridaAquifer. (Sounds like a darn good plan to me!)

To further preserve our precious water supply, I won’t water during the hot, dry summer months, further doing my part to conserve water. (This act alone should ease my guilt pangs over letting the faucet trickle while teeth brushing.)

I will forego all use of herbicides and pesticides in the yard, thus preventing toxic runoff into the storm drains. (But if those icky little critters crawl inside, they are goners, especially those big cockroaches that fly at you when sprayed with bug killer. They will be drowned in spray, then smashed with the bug spray can.)

I will post a sign in the front yard extolling my environmental awareness to all passersby that my yard is now an environmental paradise. However, if the cat next door thinks he’s going to leave a natural deposit, Kitty may disappear forever.

If you want to designate your yard an environmental paradise, I will be happy to make you a sign. Just send $499.99 for the sign and $29.95 for shipping and handling.

Hey, what’s with that face? I told you I was going “green.”

© Copyright 2008 Suzzwords

Life is Like the Itsy Bitsy Spider

The Itsy Bitsy Spider

The itsy, bitsy spider, climbed up the water spout.
Down came the rain and washed the spider out.
Out came the sun and dried up all the rain,
So the itsy, bitsy spider went up the spout again.

© Photo Copyright 2008 Suzzwords

Is Packaging Shrinking?

Most of us have heard of shrink wrap.

That’s not the question. What I want to know is when did manufacturers start reducing the contents of their packages so we get less product, but pay the same price or more.

I first noticed it with stuffing mix. I thought the box was the same, but the world – and I – had gotten bigger. A nearby grocery clerk confirmed my sanity and that the package was, indeed, smaller. Packaging for other products has also shrunk. Remember when you could get two good blows out of a Kleenex? Not now.

Makeup is shrinking, too. Lipstick may make you all glossy and smooth, but there are fewer applications. Guess the trade off is that it is supposed to last longer.

What products have you found to be in smaller packages?

I think there is more behind this trend than corporate profit and executive bonuses. I think it’s either in anticipation of smaller people or we’re in some kind of galaxy volume warp that is melting the polar ice and reducing land mass starting with stuff we don’t really need. Well, here’s a thought: If all the polar ice melts, will Earth drip all over Mars and cool it down enough for humans to colonize?

Or maybe it’s those tiny little Martians behind all this shrinking product phenomena. Oh, just had another thought: If we’re invaded by Martians, does that mean yet another national holiday complete with a day off from work, cards, gifts, and special foods, in celebration?

And just so no one is offended, Happy (insert holiday here) to one and all.

© Copyright 2008 Suzzwords

And How Old Are You Now, Honey?

Bumper Sticker:
We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.

After attending a lunch gathering of old grads from my old high school, I realized how many times the subject of age came up and how often was heard, “Well, just how old are YOU now?”

I felt like I had just experienced déjà vu – a flashback to childhood. Think about it. Remember when you were a tot and Uncle Ernest would bend down, give your cheek a pinch and say, “Sweetums, just how old are you now?” You would hold up three fingers, smile and hope shiny round metal things (nickels, dimes and quarters) would be forthcoming to trade for candy.

Do we eventually get to the age of again holding up fingers, but having to close and open both hands several times to rack up the right age? Or is it okay to quip, Maxine style, “Nunya! Now go find something else to do!”?

Are we spiraling backwards and going out the same way we came in: naked, bald, toothless and trying to focus on the train-spoon headed to the tunnel-mouth? I just hope whoever is driving my spoon also makes the appropriate noises, “Whooo, whooo, chug, chug.”

Okay, okay, I know there is no way to stop the progression (regression?) into old age. Well, maybe cosmetically some of us can have nips and tucks and look a youthful forty-eight when we’re actually eighty-four, but how many eighty-four-year olds do you know who are still in bowling leagues?

When we reach the stage where we are fed, powdered and diapered, I think there should be warning signs to prevent our children and other younger people from even thinking about hovering over our cribs, cooing, and then inflicting the ultimate torture – pursed lips blowing “ppppffffffhhhhhtttttt” against bare belly skin (as we once did to them).

Youngin’s beware – we could just reach out and bop you with our change purses filled with shiny round metal things (nickels, dimes and quarters). Now where’s that candy machine?

© Copyright 2008 Suzzwords

10 Resolutions that are Easy to Keep

10. I resolve to email stupid jokes to friends as often as possible.

9. I resolve to give up the idea of bungee jumping and sky diving.

8. I resolve to let Mother Nature wash my car.

7. I resolve to move before having to clean the oven.

6. I resolve to consider ice cream a health food.

5. I resolve to eat more health foods.

4. I resolve to go outside and play as often as possible.

3. I resolve to wear clothes with elastic waists or made with stretch fabric.

2. I resolve to eat chocolate at least five times a week.

1. I resolve to be grateful everyday for dear friends and blogging buddies.

© Copyright 2008 Suzzwords

Mismatched

Ladies First …

Act 1

Scene One: A terrific sale on shoes, so you pick up those black pumps you’ve been needing and, what the heck, get the same style in navy, too. Ooh, and what a great price on fisherman’s sandals, just plop the navy pair in your basket. Oops, red is sold out in your size, but at this price, go ahead and get them in black.

Scene Two: You are late for a meeting. You are dressed and ready to go. Just have to slip on those new navy pumps. Don’t need to turn on the light. Your shoes are paired up. Grab and go.

Scene Three: On the way out of the restroom to the meeting you check your outfit – perfect. You check your hair and makeup – perfect. You check your shoes – yikes! How did that THAT happen!

Scene Four: Back home again, you rematch your pumps and put the black pair in the hall closet! While you are at it, the black sandals go in the hall closet, too!

Act 2

Scene One: Which pair of earrings should you wear with this outfit; the studs or the J-hoops? Silver or gold? These hoops would look good, no wait, maybe these studs. You put a hoop in your right ear and a stud in your left. The phone rings, the dog wants out and there is a strange noise coming from the refrigerator. You answer the phone, let the dog back in and the noise was just the ice maker defrosting. Off you go!

Scene Two: You make a note to self to ALWAYS check your earrings before leaving the house and never have lunch with those teasing women again.

Finale

You find a darling pair of light beige slacks that fit perfect, are light-weight and just right for summer. Then you find the perfect top that hides those few, only a few, extra pounds on your hips and butt. It covers all the faults. A few days later you have to run to the grocery so you jump into those perfect slacks and fault-hiding top and slip into your navy sandals. You grab your cup to finish off the coffee and – splash, it speckles the front of your perfect top. In almost one motion, you strip off the top, grab another from the closet and you are out the door. As you approach the store, you notice that the young man retrieving the carts has turned around to look at you. In the store, you notice several more people looking your way, some smiling. It must be this great outfit. After you get home, you check yourself out in the hall mirror and realize that (1) your top only comes to just below your waist, (2) your light-weight slacks are slightly opaque and (3) you have on red underwear!

Now the men …

Act 1

The occasion requires a suit and tie, but which tie? This brown and yellow one will go okay with the blue suit, no one will notice anyway.

Act 2

Now for shoes. Well, the Nikes are definitely out. The black ones need to be polished. These tan loafers will look okay. Do you really need socks? Guess so. These will do.

Finale

You have no idea why the ladies looked at you so strangely or understood why the teen with the tattoos, pierced eyelid and green spiked hair gave you a “thumbs up.”

One man’s solution to the male matching dilemma …

The artist husband of one of my best friends has solved the problem of mismatched shoes and socks: black shoes, black socks. No compromise. Black shoes, black socks with everything. Nearly drives her nuts. In the early years of their marriage, she bought him socks of different colors. Had to take them back and get black socks. Tan slacks? Black shoes, black socks. Denim cutoffs? Ditto. Blue suit? Yep. Now if she could only get him to wear a black tuxedo year round he would never, ever again be mismatched!

P.S. You gotta admire a rebel in this era of regimentation.

© Copyright 2007 Suzzwords

Irish Fruitcake Recipe

Seems a number of people are searching for the famous Irish fruitcake recipe now that the huge holiday insanity season is approaching. I know you are out there as I get three or four hits a day on my Sitemeter.

I found this recipe for Irish fruitcake years ago and have since seen a number of variations, including the Jack Daniels version.

Fruitcakes have become outrageously expensive to make at home so if you are on a budget and won't be baking this year, just read the recipe while sipping a beer!

Irish Fruitcake
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon Irish whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl.

Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.

Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
Cry another tup.

Turn off mixer.

Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt.
Or something.
Who cares?

Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.
Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.

Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Throw the bowl out of the window.

Check the whiskey again.

Go to bed.

Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

****************************

P.S. Do you have a favorite or old family fruitcake recipe or joke about fruitcake to share? I would love to add it to my collection! See my profile for my email address.

P.S. Again -- You might want to visit my December 2006 post "Fruitcake."

© Copyright 2007 Suzzwords

No-Nos in the Workplace

CNN recently posted an article on their Web site called “Things you should never do at work.” Included is good advice about not to gossip, hit on your boss or steal office supplies.

After reading the article, I noticed a few things they left out, so I made my own list.

1. Sniff at your pits and declare to anyone who will listen, “Gee, maybe I should have showered this morning.”

2. Fall asleep at your desk, then when awakened, jokingly tell your boss you were just looking at the inside of your eyeballs.

3. Come to work in slippers and offer to show your ingrown toenails to the receptionist.

4. Bring your pet iguana to work on your shoulder.

5. Bring your three-year-old to work and explain, “The day care won’t take him because he has the mumps.”

6. Explain the reason you are late is because you changed your mind about what to wear and the zipper in your skirt/slacks broke and held you hostage until you could get someone to cut you out.

7. At three in the morning, leave a message on your boss's voice mail that you are sick and won't be in, forgetting that the sound of the party in the background will also be recorded.

8. Go to lunch and not return, then show up the next morning but offer no explanation.

9. Have a screaming phone conversation with your soon-to-be ex while customers are waiting – and listening.

10. In the lunchroom, ask a coworker to “taste this and let me know if you think it’s gone bad.”

Now then, what’s your advice about what not to do at work?


© Copyright 2007 Suzzwords

Breaking News

It seems like almost every television news channel has “breaking news.” One local channel reported a breaking news weather alert long after the storm was over. A popular cable channel was still running a breaking news alert about a celebrity eight hours after the breaking news first broke.

Now hold on here, just how long can breaking news break? Is there a time limit?

If breaking news is red hot new news, and several hour old news is just “news,” then is day old news “olds?”

Maybe we should define the difference between new breaking news and old breaking news. Oh, wait, news is supposed to be “new,” so if breaking news is new news, is it really breaking news or just news? If we called old breaking news something like “Recent News,” it would kind of lose it’s dramatic appeal and just be old news. But then old news is not news at all, it’s just stuff that happened in the recent past.

I wonder when breaking news becomes history. You know, too old to be breaking news or even news at all. I guess “breaking history” won’t work in a scrolling banner across the bottom to the TV screen.

What about breaking news that is reported over and over and over until we are all sick of it. Would that be considered “persistent update” news or PU for short?

Well, all this is just too confusing for me. I’m going to go watch Spongebob.

Alas, where is Walter Cronkite when you really need him?!


P.S. January 17, 2008 -- Go here for a Broom Hilda cartoon giggle about "Breaking News."

© Copyright 2007 Suzzwords

Halloween Memories

My hubby and I first lived in a new subdivision of mostly young people our age. Everyone knew everyone else and their children. It was safe then to turn the kids loose to play outside under watchful eyes from parents up and down the street.

Halloween night, from twilight to about 8 or 8:30, saw a stream of little kids from surrounding homes scurrying to one house, then another, in the age-old quest for candy, candy, candy. In simple getups, clowns, tramps, princesses and ghosts came running to our door. They carried plain old paper bags. No expensive, fancy costumes and elaborate, glowing plastic pumpkins back then.

After handing out treats, we could hear a faint, “Say thank you” from the sidewalk. A few little ones new to this fabulous idea of sugar in abundance would pause to peek inside their bags to see what they got. Experienced five year olds barely paused, knowing the faster they went, the more candy they would have at the end of their run.

By about 9 p.m., a few sugar-deprived teenagers and kids brought over in cars from other areas started coming. We turned out the lights, but kept the candy bowl handy.

One year there was a banging on the door and G. leaped up ready to throw candy (and I suspect a few choice words) out the door. There stood two of the saddest characters we had ever seen. The "daughter," who stood over six-feet tall, had a really bad hairdo, what appeared to be a missing front tooth, a tacky dress, and a very pregnant-looking belly.

The shorter "father," dressed in overalls (no shirt), had an obviously fake grey beard and a shotgun. Yikes! It was the most ridiculous our neighbors (both guys) had ever looked and just as the "father" was ready to haul off G. for soiling his daughter, we started laughing so hard we couldn't even talk.

They started to laugh, the pillow-baby fell out of Don's dress and porch lights went on in the houses around us. Neighbors came out to see what all the noise was about and soon we had a front yard party going. What a Halloween that was.

Now all the kids in my present neighborhood have grown and gone and those with children of their own trick-or-treat at parties, church events, or the malls.

Expensive store-bought costumes have replaced clever home-made getups. Little children – at least in my area – no longer whoop and shout “twick or tweat” at the door for candy, candy, candy.

I still buy miniature chocolate bars, though, just in case.

Sigh.

Now what in the world will I do with all this candy? Oh, silly me … never mind.

Happy Halloween!

P.S. – What’s your best Halloween memory?

© Copyright 2007 Suzzwords